My Best Mate, the Doctor
by cheri1
Summary: Ten/Rose. The Doctor isn't just my lover, he's my best mate and partner in crime as well. Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

You know how you have that best mate that always tries to act silly and make you laugh? Well, believe it or not, the Doctor does exactly that. Which is funny when you think about it since he's supposed to be this wise and ancient Time Lord that has seen many things in his 900 years of existence. But inside he's really just a child at hearts. He and I have a special bond, a bond I've never had with anyone else and it's gotten to the point now where we can just look at each other and know what the other one is thinking. He's also gotten to the point where he's comfortable enough with me that he can tease me mercilessly. Especially if he's bored of if I'm sad or out of sorts.

Case in point…

We have a game that we have informally called Make Me Laugh. The rules are, at any time one of us does silly things to try to make the other laugh and the other must not laugh, no matter what, because they lose. This can happen at any time so both of us must be ready for anything. It's a reflection of our lives, really, where anything can happen at any moment so we must always be ready. But this is meant to be fun, not strenuous or terrifying.

But anyway, I was in the lounge the other day, minding my own business, reading a book when the Doctor decided to start another round of Make Me Laugh.

OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose was lying on the sofa reading Fifty Shades of Grey. A book that was slightly futuristic for her but she'd read a review of it in the Times when they were in the future and it peaked her interest. What amused her was the Doctor had no clue what it was really about and she amused herself mentally placing herself and the Doctor in the book in place of the characters. While she was reading, the Doctor casually entered the room. He walked behind the sofa, stopped and farted loudly.

"Oh, that was untoward of me," he said, putting his hand to his mouth.

He glanced at Rose but she calmly continued to read her book.

"I tooted my horn just then, did you hear?" he said to her.

"Yup," Rose said, turning a page.

"Enjoying the smell now?" the Doctor said.

"Yup."

He farted again.

"Bloody hell, my anus is active this morning," the Doctor said, looking behind him. "Must have been that limburger cheese butty I just ate."

The Doctor looked at Rose and began to fan the air next to his bum, directing it at her. Rose continued to calmly read, a pro at this game by now.

"What are you reading?" the Doctor said as he continued to fan the air.

"Porn," Rose said.

The Doctor stopping fanning, checking to see if she was being serious or not. Rose gasped when he snatched the book from her hands. She grinned when the Doctor flipped through the pages, speed reading it, his eyes growing wider the further he got towards the end.

"Explain yourself," he said when he finished reading and dropped the book back on her tummy.

"I heard about it, thought I'd read it for myself," Rose said, picking the book back up.

"And you thought I'd approve of such rubbish in the confines of my ship?"

"You read porn," Rose said.

"Since when?" the Doctor said.

"You read it all the time. Gallifreyan Sluts, I seen ya," Rose teased.

The Doctor stared at her for a moment.

"So what if I do?" he said while Rose tried not to laugh. "I like alien titties, same as the next bloke."

The Doctor stared at her intently, willing her to laugh at that. Rose bit her lip and managed to just keep herself under control.

"Big ones," the Doctor said, cupping his hands and miming bouncing breasts. "Purple too. I like purple ones the best."

Rose kept from smiling and the Doctor grrred in frustration.

"Bye, Doctor," Rose said softly when he headed out of the room, vowing under his breath to make her laugh.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose set the book down on the coffee table beside the sofa. She was getting up to go to the toilet when the Doctor suddenly danced into the room.

"Shimmy down now!" he said to her as he did a silly dance around the room. "Shake your booty, shake it now, if you don't, you're a big fat cow!"

He danced out of the room and then quickly stuck his head inside to look at her.

"Nice try," Rose said calmly.

"Errrgh!" the Doctor said, sticking his head back out while Rose snickered softly.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose was heading towards the kitchen to make herself a snack. When she entered, she noticed the Doctor was sitting at the kitchen table. His hands were cupped together and he was staring at something through a gap in them. He was intent on looking at whatever was in his hands and he looked up and nodded to Rose when she came inside.

"Hey! You'll never believe what I got now. I got a Munge. I found it near the console. Want to see it?" he said to her. "It's inside my hands."

"No thanks," Rose said, walking towards the fridge.

"Sure? You'll like Munges, they're brilliant. They're little shapeshifters, come see!"

"Nah," Rose said, opening the fridge door.

"This one just shapeshifted into you now," the Doctor said, peering into his hands. "Little tiny you and it's tap dancing."

"That's nice, dear," Rose said, getting out the milk.

"I will win, you know," the Doctor said to her. "I will make you laugh, I swear it."

"That's nice, dear," Rose said, closing the fridge door with her foot and setting the milk on the counter.

The Doctor decided to try something else. He stared at her for a moment, watching while he poured the milk. Then with a smirk, he got up and walked over to her.

"Thankee for the moo juice, faithful companion," he said, snatching the glass away when she let go of it. "I was parched beyond belief watching my Munge."

"Oi, bring it back here," Rose said, turning towards him.

"Or what?" the Doctor said calmly as he sat down and held on to the glass.

"Or I'll do something you'll regret," Rose said.

The Doctor stared at her, waiting for the something you'll regret part to come to fruition.

"Well?" he said when Rose continued to stare at him. "I'm waiting for you and your threats, so do something."

Rose walked over to him. The Doctor straightened his back and tightened his hold on the glass of milk while he stared at her defiantly. Rose licked her index finger and ran it down his nose.

"Ooo, that was horrifying alright. I'm surprised I survived that assault on my life," the Doctor said dryly. "What's next, flicking a bogie on me?"

"I want my milk," Rose said, holding out her hand to him.

The Doctor stared at her outstretched palm. He stuck his finger in the milk and ran the finger down her palm.

"There, you got your milk," he said.

He jerked his head back when she tried to run her milky palm down the side of his face.

"Give me my milk," Rose said.

"I will, on one condition," the Doctor said.

"What?"

"Recreate something from that Grey book you were reading for my entertainment," he said to her.

"You've gotta be joking."

The Doctor stared at her passively.

"Do I look like I'm joking?" he said. "Do it or the milk lands up in my belly."

"Okay, I'll do it," Rose said.

She walked over to the kitchen door, walked out and reentered.

"There, I did something from the book. I entered a room, now give me the milk," Rose said, walking over to him.

"I want something from you, you know what it is," the Doctor said to her.

"I gave you my milk," Rose said, shrugging.

"No, I want you to laugh. Give me your laughter now!"

"Why? Are you the laughter fairy?"

"I will have your laughter, I swear it."

"Yeah, well…you keep the milk in the meantime. I don't need it."

Rose patted his head and whistled as she walked out the door.

"Oho, this is far from over, Rose Tyler," the Doctor said. "The game is still very much afoot!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Rose was lying on the sofa. She'd finished Fifty Shades of Grey and was now reading Fifty Shades Darker. While she was doing that, the Doctor strolled in and walked over to the sofa.

"Hey," he said, leaning over the back of the sofa. "I was just in America and I found a fantastic deal. I could save fifty percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

"Mm," Rose said.

"Course this technically isn't a car," the Doctor said, looking around. "But I do have a car. She's called Bessie. She's up in the attic though and…are you reading more of that porn rubbish?"

Rose smirked and nodded.

"Where is the other one?" he asked.

"I gave that to Mum."

"What?"

Rose looked at him and saw the shocked look on his face.

"What? It's an adult book," she said to him.

"You gave that horny old woman a porn book. Do you know what could happen?" he said to her.

"She could enjoy it?" Rose said.

"Exactly! Then she could become aroused and go out and find people and have sex with them," the Doctor said.

"And?" Rose said.

She giggled when the Doctor stared at her in shock.

"She's Jackie. Do you know how traumatized London could become if she becomes some sort of horny sexbot?" he said to her.

"You mean she might come after you eventually?" Rose said.

She laughed at the disgusted look on the Doctor's face.

"Ugh and I thought Davros was bad. Forget the Daleks, Jackie the Sexbot is worse than all of them! And if she tries to recreate any of the things she reads about…" he said with a shiver.

"Oh please, Mum won't do that," Rose said.

The Doctor stared at her for a moment before patting her head.

"I love how naïve you can be sometimes, it's endearing," he said as he patted her head. "Anyway, want to see what else I got from America?"

Rose put her book down and gave him a pointed look.

"Show me," she said to him.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small brown can of pop.

"Jolt Cola," he said, pointing to it. "Twice the caffeine as normal pop. Dare me to drink it all?"

"No," Rose said.

"Why not?"

"Because then you'll cause more devastation than Jackie the Sexbot," she said.

"But you might like me all wired and hyper," the Doctor said as he bent over to her. "You might find it fun when I'm a caffeine crazed dynamo."

"Or I might get injured when you lose control of your usual manic self and cause untold devastation," Rose said.

The Doctor put his finger on the poptop and held it there while he stared at her.

"Don't, think of the children," Rose said with mock horror.

"I won't if you do something with me," he said.

"What? Go stop my mum before she becomes Jackie the Sexbot?"

"Well, that might need to be sorted out but that's not what I had in mind," he said. "You see, I have a device that can alter my appearance temporarily."

"Uh-huh…" Rose said.

She frowned when the Doctor didn't elaborate and just left the room. Rose shrugged, picked her book up and started reading again. She was so engrossed in it; she didn't realize the Doctor returned until he tapped her on the shoulder. She looked up and did a double take. His hair was now jet black, he was wearing black eyeliner and lipstick and he had a piercing in his nose, his eyebrow and a row of them down his left ear. Rose stared at him in shock while the Doctor waved cheerfully.

"Goth Doctor," he said. "Do you like it?"

"Well…I mean…you aren't wearing Goth clothes," she said, pointing to his suit. "Looks a bit weird with the suit."

"That's because I haven't changed yet," the Doctor said. "The clothing are separate. What do you think of my face?"

"Is that real?" Rose said. "The piercings, I mean."

"No, they're clip-ons," the Doctor said. "I wouldn't pierce my gorgeous face, are you crazy?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"For a laugh," the Doctor said, shrugging. "I was hoping you'd go along with me and together we could go out in public and be Goth."

"And go where?" Rose said.

"Well, your mum's house for starters so I can retrieve that book."

"You really think my mum is gonna turn into some sort of sexbot after reading that Grey book?" Rose said.

"Your mum came on to me the first time she saw me. She didn't even know me and she was ready to strip off her kit and have at me," the Doctor said. "Imagine what would happen if she got a few ideas from that book. No man would be safe and possibly no woman, no child, no dog…"

He pinched her cheek when she rolled her eyes.

"Well, come with me and get your Goth makeover and then, my partner in crime, we shall begin our Goth adventure by visiting your mum."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Jackie was watching the TV when she heard a knock on her door. She got up, walked over, opened it and nearly had a heart attack when she saw her daughter. Rose was dressed in a black leather dress with matching leather boots. A studded leather collar was around her neck and her right wrist. Her hair was dyed jet black and she was wearing white makeup with black eyeliner and lipstick. She had a piercing in her nose, her eyebrow and three piercings in both ears including a silver skull that was dangling from her right ear. Jackie could only stare at her daughter in silent horror, unable to find words to express what she was seeing.

"Hi, Mum," Rose said.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Jackie said.

"I've gone Goth," Rose said. "The Doctor has as well."

"The Doctor…"

Jackie trailed off when the Doctor stepped into view. He was wearing a black t-shirt, black leather jacket and trousers and black leather boots. He had on a studded leather belt and a studded collar around his neck. Jackie's mouth nearly hit the floor.

"Bela Lugosi is dead," the Doctor said to her in an ominous voice. "The bats have left the bell tower."

"What?" Jackie said.

"It's a song by the Bauhaus," the Doctor said. "Of course you wouldn't know that since you're not Goth."

"Too right I'm not. What have you done to my daughter?"

"I did this to us," Rose said. "I've decided that life is boring and dark and I changed my appearance to reflect that."

"And I decided to follow her lead," the Doctor said. "After all, what is my life but death and darkness. Death, death, death all day long."

"I don't give a damn about you," Jackie said to him. "But you better change back to your normal self, young lady."

"I'm an adult, I can dress the way I please," Rose said.

"Not while I'm living," Jackie growled at her.

"Then we'll go to the year five billion again. Doctor, will you take me away to when my mum is a pile of dust so I can be free to express myself?" Rose said to him.

"Oh, I believe that's doable," the Doctor said.

Jackie grabbed the Doctor's leather jacket.

"I believe you've done enough damage to my daughter. She's staying here from now on," Jackie growled at him.

"Oh come on, mum, it's fake," Rose said, exasperated. "We're pretending to be Goths for a giggle."

Jackie paused and looked at her.

"Your hair is black and you have piercings."

"I have a machine in the TARDIS that can temporary change a person's appearance for disguise purposes. The hair can be changed back and the earrings are clip-ons. Calm down, Jackie," the Doctor said.

"So this is what you do? Put on crazy outfits and see if people notice?" Jackie said to him.

The Doctor shrugged.

"We're bored," he said.

"So am I but I don't put on leather and pretend to be a vampire," Jackie said.

But looking at her daughter, she could see why she enjoyed being with him. Not many people were willing to dress up and be goofy in public for a laugh. She realized that after knowing the man for nearly two years, he still had the ability to do things that took her completely by surprise.

"So what are you planning to do now that you've gone Goth?" Jackie asked them.

"Not sure, we thought perhaps go through space and time and be Goth," the Doctor said.

"Come with us," Rose said.

"What? And be Goth?" Jackie said.

"Yeah, come and be Goth with us," Rose said. "We can play a game called Goths through history."

"Goths through history! Brilliant! How 'bout it, Jackie. The machine can turn you back to normal after the game is finished."

"I don't know how to be Goth. I always avoided those people like the plague," Jackie said.

"Just act like you like the darkness," Rose said. "You're all about the cemeteries and death and darkness. At least that's how I see it."

"And even if that's not what the Goths are, we can do a parody of how people perceive the Goths," the Doctor said. "Besides, the places I have in mind, no one will know the difference."

Jackie raised her eyebrow while Rose pleaded for her to come with them.

"How about if I just come with you and observe before I decide to go Goth," Jackie said to them.

"Well, that depends," the Doctor said.

"On what?" Jackie said.

"On whether or not you actually step foot out of the TARDIS and stay with us."

"Are you going to get us killed?" Jackie said.

"Um…wasn't planning on it," the Doctor said.

Jackie looked at her daughter who was still begging her to come.

"Alright but…if I land up in jail alongside the pair of ya, I'll kill ya," she said.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

"So, where should we go first?" the Doctor said to Rose and Jackie while they flew through the vortex. "Make it somewhere where Goths would be completely out of place."

"Wouldn't that be anytime before the 1970's?" Jackie said.

"Yeah, but somewhere where we'd really stand out," the Doctor said.

"You mean like a fancy ballroom in the 1700's?" Rose said.

"Yes, exactly. Somewhere where Goths would be completely out of place."

Jackie smirked.

"Ancient Egypt then," she said.

The Doctor beamed.

"For Jackie," he said.

Rose put her arm around her mother while the Doctor set a course for Ancient Egypt.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

(Thebes, 1423 B.C….)

It was nearly noon in the city of Thebes. In the main plaza, people were hurrying towards places of work or pleasure while a few lingered to talk. There were a couple of obelisks and a few statues of the gods around the perimeter of the plaza. As the people were mingling, they suddenly heard a wheezing sound and the people nearest the wheezing fell silent as they saw a blue box suddenly materialize as if by magic. The crowd gathered around it, murmuring to each other while they wondered if it was a visit from the gods.

Then the door opened and they recoiled when the Doctor, Rose and Jackie stepped outside.

"Here we are, Morticia, Ancient Egypt. Land of death and tombs," the Doctor said to Rose while he shut the door behind them. "Isn't it just ghastly?"

"Yes, especially the dog statue," Rose said, pointing to the gigantic statue across the plaza from them.

"And that, my dear Lady of Darkness, is Anubis, god of the underworld and mummification," the Doctor said.

"I like him already," Rose said.

Jackie looked around at the stunned Egyptians. No one was fleeing but no one was approaching them either. She was dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and trainers and she figured she looked just as odd as they did. The Doctor walked up to a man wearing a linen kilt. He had a shaved head and kohl around his eyes. The Doctor gasped with delight.

"You're wearing eyeliner as well, are you a disciple of the dark like me?" he squealed.

"Get away from me, you lunatic," the man said before walking off.

"Hey, where are all the tombs and mummies?" the Doctor called after him. "We thought Egypt was filled with dead, we weren't expecting any live people."

Jackie had to chuckle at that. But she noticed a few people were attracting the attention of people with spears. People she assumed were guards or policemen or something like that. She pointed to them and yelled at the Doctor to look.

"Oh, well, come Morticia, we'll look for tombs elsewhere," he said, taking Rose's arm.

He quickly opened the door and ushered everyone in as the guards hollered for them to stop. He slammed the door just as the guards reached them. They banged on the TARDIS doors, demanding to be let in but everyone jumped back and cried out when the TARDIS dematerialized and vanished.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"See, that's how it's done," the Doctor said to Jackie when the TARDIS was safely inside the vortex. "And you laughed, I heard you."

"Alright, I did. It was a bit funny seeing their reactions," Jackie said. "But is this what you do?"

"Not all the time. This is just a way to blow off steam and have a bit of fun," the Doctor said. "Our lives can get hectic and dangerous so sometimes we do stuff like this to bring a bit of happiness in our lives. So…what next?" he asked them as he leaned against the console.

Rose and Jackie exchanged a look.

"You have a go, love. I chose the last time," Jackie said.

Rose thought for a moment and then grinned.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

(Eastern Europe, 50,000 B.C….)

Nog signaled to the other hunters as they trekked through the ankle deep snow in search of their prey. They were currently tracking a herd of mammoths who were about a mile ahead of them. All of them were dressed warmly in mammoth skins and carried wooden spears tipped with stone arrowheads. They had paused for a moment while Nog, the leader, examined the mammoth tracks. Now they were on the move again. The Neanderthals grunted to one another as they walked.

Then suddenly, they heard a wheezing and all of them grunted and yelled as the TARDIS materialized thirty feet in front of them. The doors opened and the Doctor, Rose and Jackei stepped out.

"Ah, snow. Winter, death of plants and possibly animals," the Doctor said to the women. "And look, Morticia, animal skins. They killed animals and now their wearing their skins."

"How beautiful," Rose said. "Death everywhere! It's glorious!"

Nog and the others stared at them in shock. They'd never seen anything like them before.

"Excuse me, where are dead animals at? We'd like to see the dead animals. Maybe even kill a few and drink their blood," the Doctor called to them.

His eyes widened when Nog suddenly yelled at the others to charge.

"Then again, maybe not," he said as he and everyone else ran inside.

Nog and the others screamed in fear when the TARDIS began to dematerialize and disappear from view. Inside, the Doctor took his ship into the vortex.

"Okay, that wasn't that great, not much potential for jokes with Neanderthals," the Doctor said to them.

"Well, you pick something then," Rose said to him.

The Doctor leaned against the rim of the console and thought that over. Then he chuckled and turned to set a course for a new destination.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

The Doctor opened the doors of the TARDIS and strode out.

"Aha! Here we…"

Rose and Jackie came out after him and stopped when they saw the perplexed look on his face. They were standing in the middle of a dense forest. The Doctor looked around.

"Okay, this isn't what I wanted. At least I don't think it is," he said.

"Why? What were you wanting?" Rose said.

"Well, I was aiming for the Battle of Gettysburg so I could make a joke about the enormous amount of death and dying but I hear monkeys in the trees and I don't think there were monkeys in Pennsylvania," he said, pointing up above him.

"You sure? They might have monkeys but the soldiers shot them all during the war," Rose said.

"Uh…no, I don't think Gettysburg had monkeys," the Doctor said.

Jackie pointed to something behind him and the Doctor turned to see a small brown squirrel monkey perched on a tree limb a few feet above his head.

"Awwww," Rose said as she and her mother pulled out their mobiles to take a photo of it.

"Hey, little fella, any idea where Gettysburg is?" the Doctor said to the monkey.

The monkey stared at him for a moment and then suddenly it leaped onto his shoulder and began pulling off his earrings and examining them.

"We have a thief in our midst," the Doctor said, turning to the women as he pointed to the monkey on his shoulder. "And will you put down your mobiles and quit taking photos of it?"

"Why? It's cute," Rose said as he took a photo of the monkey examining the earring. "See Mum, it's not all death and danger out here."

"Monkeys can bite, you know, can you stop ogling it and save me?" the Doctor said to them.

"Rwaaaaaaa!" Rose said as she waved her arms around.

The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief when the monkey jumped back onto the limb and chattered angrily at Rose.

"Right, back away from the hairy thief now," the Doctor said, stepping towards the TARDIS.

The monkey examined the earring in his hand while the Doctor looked around.

"So…squirrel monkey. Which means we are most likely in Central or South America at the moment," the Doctor mused. "Not Gettysburg."

"See, Mum, you traveled to South America," Rose said to her. "Isn't it brilliant?"

"Perhaps. It's also hot and steamy," Jackie said, wiping the sweat from her brow. "Can we go somewhere else now?"

"Oh, I suppose. Have fun with your new toy, hairy little thief," the Doctor said to the monkey as he opened the TARDIS doors.

He ushered everyone in and when they were inside, he paused a moment before yelling and waving his arms at the monkey. The monkey shrieked and went higher into the trees. The Doctor snorted and went inside the TARDIS. The monkey chattered angrily as it watched the TARDIS vanish into thin air.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

The Doctor peeked outside the door as soon as the TARDIS landed. They were back in the woods but this time they were on a high ridge overlooking a large field. In the distance, he could see blue coated soldiers getting into formation.

"Okay, I think this is Gettysburg," he said over his shoulder before letting the women come outside. "Just keep quiet and don't draw attention to yourselves. The last thing we need is cannonballs raining down on us."

"There's no battle," Rose said as she and Jackie stared at the Union soldiers in the distance.

"No, but they're getting into formation so there's going to be," the Doctor said, closing the TARDIS doors. "And no thieving monkeys to worry about which is a plus."

"Where's the Confederate soldiers then?" Rose said, looking the other way.

"I think they're on the hill on the other side of the field, hiding in the trees," the Doctor said.

"Come out and fight, you cowardly bastards!" one of the Union soldiers yelled.

"There was never meant to be a battle here," the Doctor said as he came up behind them. "They just happened to cross paths here. But this became the defining moment of the American Civil War, the turning point."

They watched while both sides taunted one another and dared each other to take the first shot. The Doctor nudged Rose.

"Dare me to go down there and walked through the middle of the field while I say "Die all of you, to be dead is glorious!"

"Do it, I dare ya!" Rose said.

"No, you're not going down there. You just told us to be quiet so we wouldn't draw their fire," Jackie said. "You stand right there and follow your own advice."

"Should I risk a slap from your mother then?" the Doctor asked Rose.

Rose looked at her mother and saw the warning look on her face.

"Nah, stay put and be a good boy," she said to him.

"Ugh, that's no fun," the Doctor said.

They looked over at the Union soldiers when someone finally fired the first shot. Then like wildfire, the soldiers began to shoot on both sides and Jackie flinched when she saw Union soldiers crying out in pain and dying.

"Um…shouldn't we leave now?" she asked them.

Rose glanced at her mother, saw the distressed look on her face and nudged the Doctor. The Doctor looked at Jackie before nodding.

"Yeah, let them have their battle. We'll move on," he said to them.

Jackie breathed a sigh of relief. Rose took her mother's hand and gave it a squeeze as they turned and walked away from the battlefield.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

After dropping Jackie back off at her flat and spending a half hour of time with her, the Doctor and Rose left and headed back into the vortex. Both of them went through the machine and regained their normal appearances. Rose went back to her bedroom, stripped off the leather outfit and put on jeans and a t-shirt. She sat down on her bed and brushed her hair out. As she was doing that, the Doctor entered the room, a glum look on his face.

"What's wrong?" Rose said.

"I failed in my mission. I didn't get the porn book out of Jackie Tyler's hands. She may still become the Sexbot."

Rose giggled.

"No, you're wanting it so you can read it, you porn freak," she said.

"I never!"

"Oh right, like they didn't have porn on Gallifrey," Rose said, rolling her eyes.

"You're right; they didn't have porn on Gallifrey. We were porn free," the Doctor said, sitting down beside her.

"So how did people become randy then?"

"They didn't. We were a randy free society as well. No porn, no randiness. It was all cerebral," he said, tapping his temple.

"How did you procreate then?" Rose said as she brushed her hair.

"We had one day in the Gallifreyan year where we went out completely starkers. We purposely bumped into one another and procreated before walking on."

"Yeah, right, Doctor," Rose said.

"We did. Course I was shy, never participated in Gallifreyan Starker Fuck Day."

Rose giggled at that.

"Seriously, that's what it was called," he said as she laughed harder.

"So what were you then? A monk?" Rose said.

"No, I'm a Time Lord. One of the higher species. I do not think of procreating."

Rose paused in her brushing when the Doctor yawned, stretched his arms and then put his left hand on her right breast and left it there.

"Yup," the Doctor said, keeping his hand on her breast. "I don't have any interest in the female anatomy, at all."

"Then what's this?" Rose said.

"What's what?" the Doctor said, turning his head.

Rose laughed when his eyes bulged and he jerked his hand away from her breast.

"Oh my God, how did that get there? I thought it was part of the lumpy eiderdown. I'm terribly sorry," he said to her while she giggled. "That was something the lower species would do, not little old me. Anyway," he said, looking away while putting his hand back on her breast. "As I was saying, porn was unknown on Gallifrey. And so was immodesty. Except for that one day of the year, we never touched any body part of the opposite sex, it just wasn't done."

"Then what are you doing now?" Rose teased.

"I'm talking to you and…oh blimey," the Doctor said, turning his head and jerking his hand away. "I'm so sorry, I really can't tell the difference between your breasts and the eiderdown…apparently. But as I was saying," the Doctor said, looking away and putting his hand back on her breasts. "Touching others was a big no-no on my planet."

"So you want me to get naked, is that what you're trying to get across?" Rose said.

"Get you naked? No, I'm talking to you and….damn it, I did it again!" he said, taking his hand off her breast. "I'm completely embarrassed; my hand seems to have a mind of its own. Perhaps I should tie it up behind my back."

Rose and the Doctor gazed at one another before Rose began giggling uncontrollably.

"What? What's wrong?" the Doctor said, amused.

"You're randy, very randy," Rose purred as she scooted closer to him.

"Never. I'm the very model of…unrandiness," the Doctor said as Rose batted her eyelashes at him. "Excuse me, do you have something in your eye, your eyelids are moving rapidly."

"Trying to make you randy," Rose purred.

"Well, it won't work. I'm the very model of uninterested male…unrandiness," he said while she giggled.

"So why are you so concerned about me and mum reading the books then?" Rose said.

"Because I know firsthand what porn can do," the Doctor said.

"Oh really? And what can porn do?" Rose purred seductively.

"Well, you see, once upon a time I was ignorant of such things," the Doctor said. "As I said, Gallifrey was a thinking person's paradise with no carnal knowledge of any kind. Just that one day where the entire day went like "Oh! Terribly sorry, I seemed to have deposited my sperm in your vagina. Jolly good, well, good luck with the pregnancy, cheers!" sort of thing. And then I discovered Earth and suddenly sex bombarded me from every nook and cranny. Being an eager student of Earth and its environs, I decided to study the ape's fascination with nookie. And now here I am, helplessly enslaved by all the sex around here."

"So the hand on my breast was no accident?" Rose said.

"Yes, it was an accident. I told you, my hand has a mind of its own."

"Uh-huh, sure it does," Rose said.

"Well, I will go now before I do something I might regret," the Doctor said, rising from the bed. "Once people start discussing porn, I start acting funny and I can't be responsible for my actions. So you be good and stay away from those nasty porn books and I'll go do something asexual."

"See ya," Rose said.

She giggled when the Doctor smacked his hand as he left the room.

"Gotta love him," she murmured to herself as she lay back in her bed.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Rose was sitting on the sofa watching a film on the television. She was wrapped in a navy blue blanket while wearing pink pajamas and pink fluffy slippers. A huge bowl of popcorn and a glass of Coke was on the table beside her and she was snacking on them while watching the movie. While she was doing that, the Doctor strolled into the room. Rose smiled at him and then frowned when he walked over to her without speaking and examined her. He lifted up a corner of the blanket and looked at her legs.

"Jimjams," he muttered to himself.

"Yeah, what about it?" Rose said.

He straightened up and looked at her slippers.

"Pink fuzzy slippers, snuggly blanket, popcorn and a refreshing drink."

Rose frowned deeper when he turned on his heel and left the room without further comment. Rose shook her head and went back to watching her movie. Fifteen minutes passed before she saw the Doctor again. She raised her eyebrow when she saw him. He was now wearing navy blue jimjams, blue fuzzy slippers and had a black fuzzy blanket draped over his arm while supporting a bowl of popcorn on the palm of one hand and holding a glass of Coke in the other.

"Copying me?" Rose said.

"Oh please, I never copy. I do everything originally. Besides, this is a good idea," the Doctor said.

Rose took the bowl and glass from him and the Doctor wrapped his blanket around him and sat down beside her. Rose handed his bowl and glass back to him and the Doctor put the bowl in his lap and happily munched his popcorn while he snuggled with Rose. Rose glanced at him and smirked.

"Mind if I watch something else. I recorded something on Tivo earlier," she said to him.

"No worries, I'll watch whatever you want to watch," the Doctor said, shrugging.

He gave her a sidelong glance when she giggled at that and picked up the remote.

"What's with the laughter?" he asked her.

"Nothing, nothing," Rose said innocently.

She found a film and started it. The Doctor plucked a popcorn out of the bowl. He brought it up to his mouth intending to eat it when Rose suddenly fast fowarded through the film, going past the opening credits so fast that the Doctor didn't catch the film's title. She kept on going until she hit a certain spot. She stopped and let the film play. A man was standing in front of a terrified woman. He was dressed in a sparkly silver suit that looked like it came from a bad 50's sci-fi film. He had long, flowing blonde hair and dark green eyes. The woman was dressed only in a bikini. She was Caucasian with long, dark hair and dark eyes. It looked like they were in a shed or some rundown shack somewhere.

"What are you going to do to me?" the woman said as she pressed herself up against the wall.

"I mean you no harm; I have come from the planet Zarkon in the Andromeda Galaxy."

"There is no planet Zarkon in the Andromeda Galaxy," the Doctor said smugly.

"I have come here because I am the last of my kind. My planet was destroyed in a great war," the man said.

The Doctor stopped chewing his popcorn.

"I must not let my species die. So I must procreate with you so you will give birth to an alien baby."

"What the hell is this?" the Doctor said while Rose giggled.

"Um…I believe it's called Outer Space Sluts?" Rose said.

The Doctor stared at Rose while he heard typical porn music coming from the TV. He turned his attention back to the TV. The man was now ripping the bikini off the woman while she protested.

"I must ensure the survival of my species!" the man said as he undressed her. "Do not worry, I am well endowed. You will be satisfied with me!"

The Doctor snorted when the man undressed and the woman suddenly froze and stared at his crotch.

"Ooooh, it's sooooo big," the woman moaned, suddenly titillated.

"Please, I have a bigger john thomas than that," the Doctor said when the camera angle switched to a full frontal shot of the man.

"Really?" Rose said, looking at his crotch.

"Oh, you can't judge the size of it by looking at it," the Doctor said when he noticed her. "Like the TARDIS, my trousers are bigger on the inside. Otherwise, my trousers would burst from the sheer magnitude of my penis."

"Really?" Rose said.

"Yup, I really am well endowed," the Doctor said as he looked at the TV. "And this man's technique is total rubbish, I could shag the woman better than him. Course when I did it, I wouldn't be able to see her. Five mile womb broom, you know," he said.

"Your penis is five miles long," Rose said with a dubious look.

"Told you, my trousers are bigger on the inside," the Doctor said, shrugging.

"Oh? Prove it then," Rose said.

"Look around you? Is the lounge five miles long?" the Doctor said.

"No."

"Well, if I showed you my penis, the whole room would become cramped and possibly suffocate us. I need sufficient room to show you my wonder and glory, dear."

"Okay, take us to a big, big field then," Rose said.

"Nah, I'm busy eating and snuggling," the Doctor said.

"You're so full of it, Doctor," Rose said, pushing on his leg with her foot.

She laughed when the Doctor grinned at her and pushed on her foot. Then suddenly they were kicking at each other's legs with their feet. The Doctor put his bowl and glass down on the coffee table in front of them and put Rose's bowl of popcorn back on the table beside her.

"I am the last of my kind," he said, leaning over her while she giggled. "I need to procreate so my kind can live on."

"No, not me!" Rose said melodramatically while the Doctor leaned in closer.

"Yes, you are a viable human drone, you will give birth for me," he said.

"No, please I don't want to!"

"But I am well endowed, you'll be satisfied."

"Really? Show me!" Rose said.

"Well, wait about an hour, I have to get five miles out then," the Doctor said.

"So…when you and your kind ran into people on Gallifrey, you had to be five miles out?" Rose said.

"No, that's just me, I'm five miles long, everyone else was average size on my planet."

"Yeah, right, you wish."

She squealed with laughter when the Doctor threw off her blanket and began to tickle her.

"Submit to me for procreation, Rose Tyler!" he crowed as he tickled her.

"Never! I am a virgin and will remain so!" Rose squealed as the Doctor tickled.

"Then I will procreate with your mother!"

"Really? I'd pay to see that," Rose said as the Doctor paused in his tickling.

She squealed when the Doctor resumed his tickling.

"You'd have to pay because I'd need to go see a doctor after I shagged Jackie because I'd be very ill!" the Doctor said as he tickled her. "Not to mention Jackie having my baby would make me very, very, VERY ill! Probably be a toad or something like that!"

"Stop, stop tickling, I can't breathe now!" Rose gasped.

"Okay, I'll stop…for now," the Doctor said, letting up his assault.

He patted her head as she gasped for breath. He chuckled and picked up his blanket and wrapped it around him. He giggled when Rose playfully slapped his head when he sat back down beside her. Rose turned off the porn movie and found something else for them to watch. After that, the two of them snuggled together and snacked while they watched the film.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Rose was lying in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She had just woken up twenty minutes ago and was psyching herself up for what she hoped was a day of adventure. While she was doing that, she heard a knock on the door.

"Come in," she called out.

The door opened and the Doctor peeked his head in.

"Are you decent?" he asked.

"Yup, come in," Rose said.

The Doctor came inside the room carrying a large tray filled with breakfast stuff. Rose's eyes lit up when she saw the full English breakfast with tea and milk.

"Breakfast for you, madam," the Doctor said.

"Thanks," Rose said.

She sat up against her headboard and flattened her legs out while the Doctor put the tray down in front of her.

"This is lovely, thanks," Rose said when he finished adjusting the tray in front of her.

"Ah, I thought perhaps you could have breakfast in bed for a change. It's something humans do, yeah?" he said.

"I appreciate it, thanks."

The Doctor nodded. He pulled up a chair and sat down beside her while Rose cut up her eggs and prepared to eat. For several moments, he watched while she ate in a contented silence before he spoke to her.

"You know I don't sleep very much," he said.

Rose nodded and sipped her tea.

"I know that," she said.

"Well, I usually do other things while you sleep but sometimes I just sit and think," the Doctor said.

"Mm-hmm," Rose said.

"And sometimes I think strange things," he said.

"Really? Such as?"

"Oh, just odd things," the Doctor said dismissively.

"Like what? You're the one who brought this up, what do you think about?" Rose said.

"Well, I imagine what might happen if you turned on me."

Rose was shocked.

"Turn on you, I'd never do that," she said.

"I know. But I was thinking more along the lines of involuntarily turning on me. Like when you possessed by Cassandra."

"Oh," Rose said, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, there was that. Wait, you imagine people possessing me all night long?"

"Not all night long, just occasionally. I live inside my head a lot."

"That doesn't surprise me," Rose said. "So what do you imagine when I turn on you?"

"Well, I was thinking that you were a zombie slave somewhere."

Rose stopped in mid chew and stared at him. She swallowed.

"Zombie?" she said.

"Yes. Dealt with zombies before. Poor fellows, most of them are really emaciated brainwashed slaves, not living dead."

"You imagine me as an emaciated brainwashed slave," Rose said, amused.

"Or a cat woman."

Rose giggled and mimed scratching him with her imaginary claws.

"You need to stop living inside your head so much, Doctor," she said.

"I'm aware of that," he said.

Rose chewed a bit of bacon and grinned.

"What if I were turned into this breakfast," she said to him. "And you were brainwashed and commanded to eat me."

She laughed when the Doctor's eyes widened at that.

"Okay, now I'm picturing you as eggs and hearing your tiny voice coming from the eggs while you beg me not to eat you," he said while she sniggered.

"And will you wake up from your brainwashing in time to keep from eating me?" Rose said.

"No, I swallow you whole," the Doctor said. "But I wake up afters and I save the feces and bury it in a reverent ceremony while I mourn you."

Rose giggled.

"So you poo into a little box and bury me like a budgie then?" she said. "What if you get the wrong piece of poo and I end up going down the toilet after you bury the box?"

"This is turning into a weird conversation," the Doctor said while she laughed. "Now I'll spend the remainder of the day imaging you as a piece of poo going down the toilet."

"Okay, how about this?" Rose said. "You said you imagined me as a cat woman. How about…I'm turned into a lion and you're forced to be a lion tamer in a sadistic circus and I have to jump through fiery hoops for you or die a painful death."

"Blimey! And you claim I live inside my head?" he said while Rose giggled. "You're being more imaginative than me, Rose Tyler."

"Well, gotta prepare for any scenarios that might show up," Rose teased. "Never know when I might turn into breakfast for you."

"Well, I'll let you eat your breakfast so you and I can go outside and possibly run the risk of becoming breakfast ourselves. Come to the console room when you're finished."

Rose nodded and smiled when the Doctor got up, kissed her on the cheek and left the room.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

"So what are we doing today?" Rose said as she followed the Doctor out of the TARDIS.

"A mission, my faithful friend. A very important mission."

"Ah," Rose said. "What mission is that then?"

The Doctor turned to her and gripped her shoulders.

"Do you trust me?" he said, staring at her intently.

"Of course," Rose said.

"Then say no more and follow me," he said to her.

Rose shrugged and followed him while he walked along the London pavement in search of something. She noticed that it was Easter or nearly Easter from all the decorations in the shop windows. The Doctor beckoned to her and she followed him into Marks and Spencers. He grabbed a shopping trolley and Rose stood beside him, wondering what he was going to purchase. She frowned when the Doctor reached into the pocket of his trenchcoat and pulled out a teeny tiny black CD player. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a teeny tiny CD, smaller than Rose had ever seen, and inserted it into the player. He turned it on and Matthew Wilder's Break My Stride began to play. Rose giggled when the Doctor mouthed the lyrics and did a little dance while he gripped the handle of the trolley. Then he was off down an aisle, still mouthing the lyrics and pausing every few feet to do a couple of dance steps before boogying along.

"You seem happy," Rose said.

"Ah, I am. Lovely day, lovely companion and lovely mission," he said. "Aha! Here we go!"

Rose frowned when the Doctor stopped long enough to grab a box of tampons off the shelf. Curiousity overwhelmed her when he put the box in the cart next to his CD player and strolled on.

"Are you on your period then?" Rose teased.

"Not saying a word," the Doctor said airily as she boogyied out of the aisle.

Rose continued to walk beside him, watching as he stopped to get a pair of Easter Bunny bunny ears, the kind that you put on your head. He put that next to the box of tampons and walked on. He then found a rubber mask of a bunny's snout and put that in the trolley.

"Okay, now I'm really curious. What's all this for?" Rose said to him.

"You'll see," the Doctor said enigmatically.

Last but not least, he selected a can of SPAM and put that in the trolley before heading up to the front. By now, Rose was insanely curious about what he was going to do with the odd selection of items in the trolley but the Doctor was tight-lipped when she asked him again. She stayed by his side and watched while he paid for his purchases with cash. Once the items were put in a sack, he thanked the cashier, took the trolley up to the front, grabbed the sack and his CD player and beckoned to Rose. Rose followed him back to the TARDIS. The Doctor put the sack on the jump seat and quickly inputted some coordinates. While the TARDIS was flying, he told Rose to wait for him and he walked out of the room. Rose opened the sack, pulled out the bunny ears and examined them before putting them on her head.

"Ah, good, you've got them on!"

Rose looked over and was shocked when the Doctor stepped into the room. Now he was dressed as a monk in a brown, course habit.

"Doctor, what is going on?" Rose said.

"You and I are going to participate in a solemn ritual," the Doctor said as he walked up to her. "So...on with the bunny snout, Rose!"

He grabbed the mask out of the sack and put it over her nose. He stepped back to admire his handiwork. Rose was wearing the white bunny ears and the bunny mask with pink nose and buckteeth. Rose was about to ask what the hell this had to do with some ritual when the TARDIS suddenly powered down. The Doctor snatched up the sack and the boombox and told her to come on. Rose, still curious about what was going on, followed him to the front door. The Doctor opened it, peeked out and nodded at her before going outside. Rose stepped outside and realized they were in the middle of an ancient graveyard somewhere. It was early morning and mist shrouded the ground. Rose looked around but saw no signs of London. In fact, she didn't see signs of any towns or cities, they seemed to be out in the middle of the countryside. The graves looked old and some of them were crumbling with barely legible names on the gravestones. The Doctor beckoned to her and they walked over to a very old granite gravestone. The grave was surrounded by a small black iron fence. The Doctor stepped over the fence and set the CD player down on the ground in front of the gravestone. He turned it on and fast fowarded through the songs until he got to some Gregorian Monk's chants and then he stood very solemly in front of the grave. He beckoned to Rose to step inside and Rose stepped over the fence, still wondering what the hell they were doing. The Doctor put the sack on the ground and reached inside it while Rose read the name on the gravestone.

"Felicia Stoutwater," she read while the Doctor pulled out the can of SPAM and the tampons. "Died 1654. Did you know her?"

"Yes, I fought her," the Doctor said, glancing over his shoulder.

"Fought her?" Rose said.

"Yes, she was...is a vampire."

Rose gave him a dubious look.

"We're standing on the grave of a vampire," Rose said.

The Doctor nodded. He handed the SPAM to Rose and opened the tampon box. He handed Rose a tampon and took one for himself before putting the box back in the sack.

"Now...you must follow my instructions to the letter because we must prevent Felicia from waking up," he said to her.

"Um...alright," Rose said.

The Doctor took the wrapped off his tampon and told Rose to do the same. Rose did and gave the wrapper to him. He put both wrappers in the sack.

"Mustn't litter, that would make Felicia angry," the Doctor said as he leaned back up. "Now, I repeat, it's absolutely essential that you do as I say or we might have to deal with a pissed off vampire. Got that?"

Rose nodded.

"Okay, raise the tampon and the tin of SPAM above you head."

Rose did as requested and the Doctor raised his tampon in the air.

"Now, spin around with the tin and the tampon in the air like this..."

The Doctor spun around quickly and Rose did the same.

"Now," the Doctor said, stopping. "Scream out, BEGONE BLOODSUCKING DEMON OF THE NIGHT!"

"BEGONE BLOODSUCKING DEMON OF THE NIGHT!" Rose bellowed when she stopped spinning.

She waited for the Doctor to give her more instructions but instead he stood there sniggering. She gave him a wary look.

"What's so funny?" she said to him.

"You're just so trusting, Rose. You'll do anything I say, no matter how daft," he said. "I figured you'd question wearing the Easter Bunny kit but no, you put it on and totally went for it."

"YOU GIT!" Rose said, trying to bean him with the can of SPAM while the Doctor jumped over the fence. "You just did this so you could humiliate me for a giggle."

"Well, actually, I was planning to land somewhere like in front of Harrods and test your loyalty to me there but even I'm not that sadistic. Besides, I didn't want to risk us landing in jail. This was just for fun."

"So you don't know Felicia Stoutwater?" Rose said.

"Haven't a clue who she is. I just noticed a fence around this grave and thought it would fit in with the whole stop the vampire idea I had in mind. I'm impressed, Rose, but at least now I know you'll never betray me, not after all this. You'll jump off Big Ben if I asked you to, wouldn't you?"

He giggled and kissed her cheek when she flipped him the vees.

"You look cute as a bunny," he purred in her ear.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Rose said as the Doctor chortled and gathered up the objects from the gravesite.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

The Doctor is a very complex individual. I have seen both his mature and immature sides in my time with him. I've seen how terrifying he can be when he's enraged and how playful he can be when he's silly. But I prefer his silliness. Actually, he told me once that there's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes and I agree with that wholeheartedly.

Case in point, we spent one evening at my mum's flat. The TARDIS was parked inside the lounge and mum relaxed after dinner, watching the telly while we invited Mickey into the TARDIS for a game of poker. The Doctor led us to a gaming room, as he put it, but the room was more like a child's playroom with plushie animals all over the place along with an adult sized Victorian playhouse and all sorts of books, games and toys. The Doctor pulled out a card table and three chairs and produced a pack of cards from his trouser pocket.

"So...are we playing for fun or for money?" he asked as everyone sat down.

Rose and Mickey glanced at each other.

"I'll play for money if you want to," Rose said to him.

"Yeah, alright, we'll play for money then," Mickey said to the Doctor.

"Okey-dokey," the Doctor said.

Rose and Mickey watched, impressed, as the Doctor rapidly shuffled the cards before cutting them. While he was doing that, Rose was looking at an elephant plushie that had been lying near her chair. The elephant was gray and wore a little red bowtie.

"Why do you have all this?" Rose said, holding it up.

"Because I collect Earth things and I like plushies. Besides, one day a child might wander in here and want to play. Be prepared, says the Boy Scouts."

He dealt the cards and set the remainder down in the center of the table. He picked up his cards and gasped in shock and wonder. He grinned when Rose and Mickey jerked their heads his way.

"Ha, made you look," he said smugly. "And now you're wondering if I'm being serious or not. All intended to psych you out, my friends."

"He doesn't have anything, he just thinks he does," Rose said to Mickey as they studied their cards.

The Doctor grinned and lightly kicked her shin. Rose eyed him and kicked his shin in return. They stared at one another for a moment before the two of them began kicking at each other's legs in a mini leg war. Mickey gasped when the table rocked and vibrated while they fought under the table.

"Will you stop it?" Mickey finally said.

"She started it!" the Doctor said, pointing to Rose.

"I did not, you started it, you git!"

"Oh, shut your gob, bint!"

"Bint? I'm not a bint, you...thing!"

"Oh yeah, that wounds me deeply," the Doctor said dryly as he put his hand over his right heart. "I'll never recover from that one, Snazoo the Bintaroo!"

He covered his head while Rose smacked him over the head with the elephant plushie.

"I'll give you brain damage, you git!" Rose said to him as she assulted him with the elephant.

"Oh? So I can be like you then?" the Doctor said before covering his head to protect it from the elephant.

"Can we play the game?" Mickey said in exasperation.

Rose and the Doctor calmed down. Rose picked up her cards but she gave the Doctor's shin another quick kick. She leaned her head back when the Doctor reached out towards her while looking at his cards, fishing around for her hair so he could pull it while Rose kept out of his reach. He stopped and studied his cards while Mickey reached into his pocket and put twenty pence on the table. Rose stared at it for a moment, glanced at her cards and raised it with fifty pence. They stared at the Doctor while he studied the money and then his cards. Then he reached into his pocket and laid a wooden yo-yo on the table.

"What's this?" Rose said, pointing to it.

"My wager, it's an antique," the Doctor said.

"We're playing with money, git," Rose said.

"This is money in several cultures, Bintzilla," the Doctor said.

Mickey sighed when they resumed their kick war under the table for a minute before the Doctor sighed and took back the yo-yo. He searched through his pocket and laid a pound coin on the table.

"Happy now?" he said to Rose.

"Yes," Rose said. "Mickey? Going to wager more?"

"Um..." Mickey said, thinking.

He glanced at the Doctor, trying to determine if he had anything valuable in his hand. The Doctor gave him a smug look in return, leaned back in his chair and held his cards against his chest.

"Nah, I'm good," Mickey finally said. "Rose?"

"Care to bet, Binto the Pinto?" the Doctor said to her. "Raise the stakes, as it were?"

"I'm good," Rose said to him.

"P'eh, that's debatable," the Doctor muttered.

"Will you stop it?" Mickey said when they resumed the kick war.

"She's a bint," the Doctor said to him.

"He's a git," Rose said to him.

"Am not," the Doctor said to Rose.

"Are too," Rose said in return.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Will you stop!" Mickey said and both of them sniggered and played footsie under the table. "Bloody hell, you two deserve each other."

"I don't deserve her, she's a bint," the Doctor said to Mickey.

He gasped when Rose seized the elephant and smacked him on the head with it. Rose gasped when the Doctor laid his cards down, leapt up and squeezed her right breast before sitting back down.

"See if you like that, Bintbo!" the Doctor said, picking up his cards.

Mickey, wanting to continue the game, laid his cards on the table so they could see them. The Doctor looked at his hand. Two of clubs, two of hearts, three of diamonds, six of clubs and a jack. He bust out laughing at that and started to scoot the money towards him. Rose slammed her hand down on top of his.

"Show us your cards," Rose said to him.

"Why bother? I have the winning hand," the Doctor said.

"Then show us," Rose said sweetly.

"I don't need to show you. I won," the Doctor said.

He tried to take his hand away from Rose but she held it firmly.

"Show...us," she said.

"Show us yours," the Doctor countered.

Rose laid her cards down and smugly pointed to three aces in her hand. The Doctor stared at the aces in shock and quickly tried to hide his surprise but Rose caught it. She leapt up, seized his cards and threw them down on the table and laughed when he had nothing except a ten of diamonds, a queen, a three of spades, a four of hearts and a nine of spades. Rose threw his hand off the money and scooped it towards her.

"No fair, that was mine," the Doctor said sullenly.

"You had nothing," Rose said, pointing to his cards.

"That's because you're playing by Earth rules, by Gallifreyan rules, I won," the Doctor said.

"Oh come off it," Rose said. "You're just a sore loser."

"And you're a bint with a big booty."

"Okay, that's it, i'm going," Mickey said when they started the kick war again.

"No, sit, we'll behave," the Doctor said to him when Mickey got up from the table.

"No thanks, I'm going to go talk to Jackie now," Mickey said.

"Now see what you did," the Doctor said when Mickey left the room.

"Me? You were the git!" Rose said. "And the sore loser."

"Least I'm not a bint," the Doctor said.

He giggled when they resumed their kick war for a moment before the Doctor held up his hand.

"Follow me, my partner in crime," he said to Rose.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

"Ah, there he is!" the Doctor said as he and Rose stepped out of the TARDIS.

"Go back inside, Doctor," Jackie said, standing up. "Mickey told me you and Rose were behaving like children and I won't have your childish behavior out here!"

"Nonsense, we're past that now," the Doctor said. "I thought I'd regale you with a recent adventure that Rose and I had."

Jackie gave him a wary look as he and Rose plopped down on the sofa beside her.

"Come on, Jackie, don't you want to hear about what Rose has been up to lately?" the Doctor said to her.

"Alright but act like mature adults while you're telling us," Jackie said.

"Okey-dokey," the Doctor said. "It was a couple of days ago that Rose was put into a perilous situation. We were visiting the planet Confectionary when Rose was kidnapped by the Candy People and was sentenced to death because she wasn't a candy person."

Rose gave him an odd look. The Doctor gave her a pointed look in return, the kind that said, "Work with me here!" Rose's eyes widened in sudden realization and she looked at Jackie.

"Yeah, those Candy People were evil," she said to her mother. "They wanted to kill me."

"Yes, they did," the Doctor said, pleased that Rose was going along with him and his joke story. "They sentenced her to be made into a bon bon."

"What?" Jackie said.

"Oh, they suspended her by her wrists over a huge vat of chocolate and she was going to be lowered into it and made into a human bon bon," the Doctor said casually.

Rose fought to keep a straight face while Jackie and Mickey stared at the Doctor in disbelief.

"Naturally, I came to her aid," the Doctor said. "But picture it, Jackie and Mickey, dear little Rose suspended over a vat of chocolate, seconds from being lowered to her death…

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Help!" Rose yelled as she dangled over the enormous vat of bubbling chocolate. "Will no one help me?"

Standing around the vat were brown skinned aliens. They all had a shiny texture to their skin and resembled chocolate covered people. They were all naked except for one man who was dressed in a white robe.

"Rose Tyler, for the crime of being non-chocolate, you will be dunked into this vat of chocolate and become like us!" the robed man said in a sonorous voice.

"No, I don't want to be a bon bon!" Rose wailed.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose bit her lip while her mother and Mickey stared at the Doctor. The Doctor had been telling them the story and she could tell her mother and former boyfriend weren't buying a word of it.

"So these things were gonna dunk Rose in chocolate," Mickey finally said.

"Yup. Poor lamb would have been a bon bon if it hadn't been for me," the Doctor said.

"And what planet was this on?" Mickey said.

"Confectionary," the Doctor said.

"Never heard of it," Jackie said.

"And do you know the name of every planet in the universe, Jackie?" the Doctor countered.

"No. But I'm sure there isn't one called Confectionary," Jackie retorted. "And I'm sure there isn't a planet of chocolate people who turn non-chocolate people into bon bons."

"Rose, did you or did you not suffer this fate recently?" the Doctor said.

"I did, honestly," Rose said, nodding.

"And where was he while this was going on?" Mickey said, pointing to the Doctor.

"Um…no idea," Rose said. "I was over a vat of chocolate at the time."

"I was in the loo," the Doctor said. "I had constipation that morning and Rose wandered off as she usually does and got snatched before I could finish my evacuation. I realized she was in trouble after I went outside the TARDIS to search for her. That's where I was while that was going on."

"So what did you do when you found my daughter over a vat of chocolate?" Jackie said.

"Well…" the Doctor said, easing back into his story.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"Stop!" the Doctor said to the chocolate people. "This is madness. She is not a bon bon. She's my bestest mate and you can't kill her!"

"And how will you stop us?" the robed alien said to him.

The Doctor reached into his trouser pocket and the chocolate aliens watched in amazement as he pulled a huge wooden ladder out of it.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"You have a ladder in your trouser pocket?" Jackie said.

"Mm-hmm," the Doctor said, patting his pocket. "My pockets are bigger on the inside."

"Show us the ladder then!" Jackie said.

"Um…I can't. I put it in there when I realized I would need it for Rose. I took it out afterwards."

"Uh-huh," Jackie said while Rose tried desperately not to laugh.

"I do have some jelly babies in a sack in my pocket. Would you like one?" the Doctor said to her.

"No," Jackie said.

The Doctor shrugged.

"Anyway, I finished pulling out the twenty foot ladder and…"

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The stunned aliens watched while the Doctor put the end of the ladder against the vat and ran up it. He then pushed a button on his left trainer and floated up to Rose. He then pulled out a knife, cut her free from the ropes and gathered her in his arms as he floated away towards the TARDIS.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"And you can float in mid-air," Jackie said while Rose finally giggled.

"I have levitating shoes, I used them on occasion," the Doctor said.

"Show us," Jackie said.

"I'm not wearing them at the moment. They're very valuable so I only wear them when necessary."

"And you left the ladder there? I thought you said you put it away," Mickey said.

"No, I said I took it out of my pocket and I did. I didn't say I took it with me when we got back to the TARDIS. That's why I can't show it to you now."

"Balls, Doctor," Jackie said while Rose laughed. "You're making this shite up off the top of your head."

"No, I swear it happened," the Doctor said, crossing his hearts.

"Then why is Rose laughing?" Mickey said, pointing to her.

"Because she has a laughing disease that I can't find a cure for," the Doctor said, shrugging while Rose giggled. "Poor lamb, if it's not one thing, it's another. If she's not being made into a bon bon, she's giddy with laughter."

"Doctor," Jackie said.

"Hmm?" the Doctor said.

"Go back in your TARDIS and leave us alone," Jackie said.

"I don't understand, I was only regaling you with our most recent adventure, what's wrong with that?" the Doctor said innocently.

"Piss off," Jackie said, pointing to his TARDIS.

"Come along, Doctor, I think we worn out our welcome here," Rose said, standing up.

"Fine," the Doctor said, standing up. "I was going to tell you about the time Rose was turned into an alligator woman and nearly landed up as a belt but since you have no interest, we'll be on our way."

Jackie rolled her eyes as Rose kissed her cheek. She bid her and Mickey goodbye before she followed the Doctor into the TARDIS.

"Why that man has been able to avoid being sectioned is beyond me," Jackie said to Mickey while the TARDIS started up and slowly dematerialized.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Rose was sitting on the sofa relaxing, curled up in a blue blanket while she watched a film on the telly. She was nestled into the side of the sofa and had a small pillow tucked behind her shoulders. She was sipping a cup of tea while she watched her film. The Doctor peeked in to see what she was doing.

"Ooo, cozy blanket and tea time again. Splendid," he said before sticking his head back out the doorway.

He reappeared ten minutes later encased in a black blanket with a mug of tea and a magazine. He was wearing his reading glasses and Rose smiled and patted the seat beside her. The Doctor beamed and settled down beside her, taking a sip of tea while he opened his magazine. They enjoyed a comfortable silence, Rose watching her film and the Doctor reading his magazine. The Doctor was reading a science magazine, more to pass the time than anything since he knew far more about the articles than the writers did.

As the Doctor read an article on cold fusion research, he became aware of what was going on during the film, especially because a couple of women were suddenly screaming at one another with shrill voices.

"Bitch!" one of the women shrieked. "How dare you sleep with my boyfriend, you slut!"

The Doctor sipped his tea as he turned his attention to the film. Two women were standing in front of a large brick house screaming at each other, slinging insults back and forth.

"What is this?" the Doctor said, lowering his mug.

"Some film I found," Rose said, shrugging. "I think it's called Cherry Lane or something like that."

"They're having a row," the Doctor said.

Rose chuckled.

"They had one earlier. They hate each other," she said.

The Doctor grimaced when the women began slapping each other as hard as they could, screaming bitch and slut at the top of their lungs.

"And you enjoy films like this?" the Doctor said to her.

Rose shrugged.

"Nothing else on," she said.

"Nothing else on? The TARDIS picks up programming from all over the universe and you find a film where two women slap fight each other?"

Rose giggled and shrugged again.

"Do you mind if I change the channel for a mo? I need to check something," the Doctor said.

"No, go ahead," Rose said.

The Doctor thanked her. He picked up the remote from the coffee table and inputted a channel using the keypad. Rose sipped her tea, watching while the Doctor found a TV channel where an enormous white fur ball was dressed in a brown suit, white shirt and brown tie. He was sitting behind a desk, his huge fluffy white paws resting on it.

"And in today's headlines," the furry alien was saying in a slightly aristocratic English accent. "Plutonians are up in arms today over the realization that Earth has downgraded them from a planet to a dwarf planet. Protests are being planned all over Pluto today as millions take to the streets in anger."

"Huh? That was years ago that they did that," Rose said to the Doctor.

"Yes. And it's taken them years to find out," the Doctor said. "Pluto is a long, long way away from the Earth, you know."

"Why do they care what Earth thinks of them?" Rose said.

"Pluto is very small, it's has the biggest inferiority complex in the solar system. I believe they're taking offense against the whole "dwarf" thing."

"Whatever," Rose muttered while the Doctor chuckled. "So this is what you wanted to see?"

"No, I have a lottery ticket," the Doctor said, showing her a tiny slip of paper with numbers written on it. "Lotto is next, I think."

The newsreader continued speaking, telling viewers about a gigantic snowstorm on the dark side of the planet. Rose stared at the alien, trying to find its eyes and mouth but all she could see was a mass of shaggy fur covering its face.

"How does it see?" she asked the Doctor.

"Probably the same way sheepdogs see," the Doctor said. "Dunno, never asked one. Oh! Here we are!" he said when the news ended.

Rose was shocked when the somber newsroom was suddenly replaced by blinking lights and sirens as a blue skinned female alien jumped up and down and yelled that it was time for Neptunian Lotto! The alien had three eyes. Two of the eyes were on long stalks on the sides of her head and the other was on her head directly above a pair of nostrils. She had a lipless mouth and a long slender body, long arms, small hands and slender fingers. She was dressed in a sparkly white gown that a human would wear when going out for a night on the town.

"IS EVERYONE READY FOR LOTTO?" the woman shrieked as she jumped up and down.

"YES!" the Doctor yelled at the TV.

The women took a microphone from someone off screen and stopped jumping around.

"Alright!" she said in a breathless but energized voice. "Welcome to Neptunian Lotto. I'm Fak'sha Dion and this week's prize is…a banana plantation on planet Earth!"

"Whoo-hoo!" the Doctor said, pumping his fist in the air.

"A banana plantation?" Rose said, amused.

"Yes. Normally I don't play this lotto but a banana plantation is too good to pass up."

"And how will you run it?" Rose said.

"You'll run it for me."

"I doubt that," Rose said.

"So…before we get started," Fak'sha said. "I want to bring on my co-host. He's from the seventh moon of Nion, which is a long way, ya'll, so give him some love. Please welcome Gandarm Flek!"

"Ya'll?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"She's from the Neptunian south, the deep south," the Doctor said. "She's been trained in proper Neptunian elocution but occasionally her accent slips."

"Mm," Rose said, not really caring.

She watched while a jet black lizard that resembled the thing from Alien came into camera range. Rose had to smile when she noticed he was wearing a tiny white bow tie and nothing else. His serpentine tail flicked back and forth behind him as he accepted a microphone from someone out of camera range.

"That's right, Fak'sha, it's lotto time!" the alien said with a deep, raspy voice.

"What happens if you lose, does the Alien alien eat you?" Rose said, pointing to him.

"Oh now, he's a nice chap, I've met him before," the Doctor said.

A smaller Neptunian wheeled in a large Perspex lotto barrel that was filled with slips of paper and left.

"Alright, here's all the slips that ya'll have sent in," Fak'sha said, pointing to the barrel. "Gandarm, will you do the honors?"

"Certainly," Gandarm said.

He turned a crank on the side of the barrel and the entire thing spun around while the slips of paper slid around inside. He stopped after thirty seconds and Fak'sha opened a small door on the top of the barrel and reached inside with her free hand while the Doctor held his slip of paper up to his face, eager to win.

"Okay," Fak'sha said, after pulling out a single slip of paper and closing the door, "I have in my hand the winning lotto! Can you just feel the excitement starting to build now, ya'll?"

"Come on, let me win!" the Doctor said while Rose chuckled and snuggled closer to him so she could see the numbers on his slip of paper.

"You know at this very moment, Pluto is protesting," Rose said to them.

"Bugger the Plutonians, they're all a bunch of furry wankers, I want my plantation!"

Rose giggled and laid her head on his shoulder.

"Okay, we're gonna call the numbers off this slip of paper," Fak'sha said.

There was a dramatic pause.

"After a word from our sponsor, ya'll, so stay tuned."

"No! I hate adverts!" the Doctor said when they cut to a commercial.

He sat in a sullen silence while Rose put her arm around him and watched the advert. Some brown blobby alien was walking along in a park while a smaller brown blobby alien followed he…she….Rose couldn't tell since it looked like a brown blob with a pair of beady black eyes.

"This is Zazoo," a male voiceover said. "Zazoo is in her declining years but she still enjoys taking her grandchild to the park. But sometimes…incontinence strikes Zazoo without warning."

Zazoo froze, her tiny eyes growing bigger with alarm as a brown puddle suddenly spread out from under her. Rose laughed as the child shrieked and quickly glided away from her.

"Yes, Zazoo suffers from the embarrassment of incontinence," the voiceover said while Rose howled with uncontrolled laughter.

"Rose, that's not very nice. Zazoo has a problem," the Doctor teased, loving Rose's glee.

"I'm sorry," Rose said, gasping for air. "But you don't think about aliens having poo problems. I mean…it looks like a pile of shite anyway so how can Zazoo tell when she's had an accident?"

"Rose," the Doctor said, teasing her gleefully, "that's not nice. She can't help the way she looks."

"But now," the voiceover said. "Zazoo wears Punt, the incontinence aid for adults."

Rose laughed when they showed Zazoo walking along with a bit white adult nappy wrapped around the underside of her body.

"And how is this not embarrassing?" Rose said to the Doctor, pointing to the screen. "I mean, you can tell she's got on a nappy now. They couldn't make it the color of her body so it blends in?"

She and the Doctor giggled hysterically at that. They were laughing so hard that Rose had to get the Doctor's attention when Fak'sha came back on the air. The Doctor silenced his laugher, although he was biting his lip to keep it in as Rose tried to keep quiet so he could hear.

"Alright, ya'll, the winning lotto numbers are…12…"

"Oo, so far, so good," the Doctor said, pointing to the 12 on his slip.

"26."

The Doctor's eyes widened when he got the second number right. Rose laid her head on his shoulder, hoping that he would win as Fak'sha announced the third number.

"46."

"Yay!" Rose said when the Doctor beamed at the 46 on his slip.

"2."

The Doctor's eyes widened when he saw the 2 on his slip. There were two numbers left now.

"18."

The Doctor's mouth opened when he saw 18 on his slip.

"I think you won, Doctor," Rose said excitedly.

"And the final number is…"

The Doctor and Rose leaned in.

"56."

The Doctor's eyes bugged out. His last number was 9 and Rose was just as shocked as he was while he just stared at the slip in his hand in disbelief.

"Doctor, I'm sorry," Rose said when realization sank in and the Doctor's face fell. "I wanted you to win badly."

"That's a load of rubbish," the Doctor said, slapping the slip of paper on his leg. "I always play these same numbers. Someone else plays them as well with one difference between us?"

Rose listened while he spewed out a stream of words that sounded like Gallifreyan obscenities to her. She hated that he was so gutted now and she wished there was a way she could make things better.

"Well, that tears it. I suppose I'll drag out the incontinence aids now and sit around and mope for the rest of my days," the Doctor said sullenly.

Rose tried not to laugh but the image of Zazoo wearing the adult nappy came back to her and she giggled. The Doctor smiled at that and sighed as he chucked the slip of paper over his shoulder.

"Eh," he said as he put his arm around her. "I lost but hey, I can go anywhere in time and space and get bananas any time I want."

"Too right," Rose said, happy that he was cheerful again.

"I just hate being off by one number. That's what I'm really angry at. I think this lotto is rigged, if you ask me. Anyway…go back to your film, Rose, and I'll make us a fresh round of tea since I think our cuppas have gone cold now."

Rose nodded. The Doctor kissed her cheek and told her he'd be right back with hot tea while Rose leaned over and grabbed the remote off the table.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

"Doctor? Are you in here?" Rose said as she stepped into the console room.

She looked around but the room was deserted. Shrugging, she walked over to the jump seat and sat down to wait for him. She wondered where he was when suddenly the front door opened and the Doctor came inside and shut the door with one hand. Rose realized he was looking through a stack of envelopes in his hand as he came towards her.

"Post. You went outside for the post?" she said as he sat down beside her. "You get post?"

"Occasionally," the Doctor said, looking through his mail. "I have a specific post office that I go to and sometimes I give the address to people I'd like to keep in touch with. Unfortunately, I also get rubbish along with my letters.

He pulled out an envelope and examined it. Rose leaned in slightly and noticed the return address seemed to be from the Weetabix Corporation.

"Like this one," Ten said, showing it to her. "I requested a free sample of chocolate weetabix one time from someone and now I get adverts from them like this one."

He opened the letter and unfolded it.

"What does it say?" Rose said.

"Would you like a prize with your next sample of Weetabix Chocolate Crunch?" the Doctor read to her. "Press the button at the bottom of this letter and receive your free prize and your box of Chocolate Crunch instantly."

"Press a button?" Rose said, leaning in.

At the bottom of the letter was a small black button that was affixed to the sheet of paper.

"Wait, how does Weetabix do this whole press a button and get free things instantly thing?" Rose said to him.

"It's from the future. Weetabix stays in business for centuries," the Doctor said.

"Well, press the button then. Let's see the Weetabix and the free prize," Rose said.

"Rose, you do realize that means I'll be plagued with Weetabix adverts forever more, yeah?"

"Go ahead, you like Weetabix apparently so it won't kill ya," Rose said.

"You just want to see what the free prize is."

"And you don't?" Rose countered.

The Doctor stared at her for ten seconds and then an impish grin spread over his face and he pushed the button. Rose and the Doctor waited. At first nothing happened and then a transmat beam appeared in front of them. When it faded, there was a big box of Weetabix Chocolate Crunch and beside it, to their astonishment, was a tiny, yorkie sized, elephant. The elephant began to walk around while Rose stared at it, wide-eyed.

"Is that a…robot?" Rose said to the Doctor.

The Doctor put his post down on the seat. He stood up and knelt down beside the miniature elephant. He touched the back of the elephant and felt it.

"Feels real enough," he said to Rose while the elephant slowly walked towards him.

"Yeah but…elephants aren't that tiny, not even baby ones," Rose said.

"Well…there are a few alien cultures who specialize in growing miniature animals for pets," the Doctor said.

"So…Weetabix thought you might like a little elephant with their cereal," Rose said.

"Apparently so. Hello there," the Doctor said to the elephant as the little beast wrapped its tiny trunk around his finger. "You're cute, yes you are."

Rose got up and knelt down beside him, enchanted by the pintsized pachyderm. The elephant let go of the Doctor's hand, raised his trunk towards him and trumpted, a sound that sounded like "MEEEEEEEE!" when it came through the miniscule trunk. The Doctor chuckled at that.

"So…what should we call you then, little elephant?" he said, running his finger along the top of the elephant's head.

"You're keeping it?" Rose said, shocked.

"It's my free sample, isn't it?" the Doctor said. "I can't throw poor Snuffy out the door, can I?"

"Snuffy?" Rose said.

"Yes, I like Snuffy," the Doctor said while the elephant wrapped his trunk around his finger.

"What are you gonna do when Snuffy grows up?" Rose said.

"This is a miniature elephant, this is probably as big as Snuffy gets," the Doctor said.

"MEEEEEE!" Snuffy trumpeted.

Rose chuckled.

The Doctor picked Snuffy up and cuddled him against his chest. Suddenly, his eyes widened as he got a really good idea.

"Rose, hold our daughter for a moment, will ya?" he said.

Rose took Snuffy from him and watched while he sprinted over to the console. He zoomed around it, starting up his ship.

"Wait, where are we going?" Rose said.

"Someplace special," the Doctor said. "Hold on to Snuffy tightly!"

Rose bent down and picked up the box of cereal with one hand while she held Snuffy against her chest with the other. She put the box on the jump seat and sat down while the TARDIS took off for parts unknown.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Jackie sighed as she lay down on her sofa and picked up the remote from the floor. At the moment she was alone and on a whim, shed all her clothes except for her underwear. She pressed play on the DVD player and put the remote back down on the floor. A porno film began to play. Eventually, Jackie's hand went down into the front of her white knickers and she began to finger herself while she watched the erotic movie. She was halfway through the movie when suddenly she heard the TARDIS behind her. She shrieked with surprise and tried to get up before the door opened. But she only managed to stand up when the Doctor opened the door.

"Hey, Jack…"

The Doctor froze in mid sentence, completely stunned when he saw Jackie's near nakedness. Jackie froze and threw her hands over her breasts. Rose stepped around the still catatonic Doctor, holding Snuffy close to her and stared at her mother in shock.

"What the hell is this?" Rose said to her.

Jackie finally found her legs again and didn't reply as she sprinted into her bedroom and slammed the door. Rose caught sight of the porno and made a face while Snuffy explored Rose's cheek with her tiny trunk. Rose looked at the Doctor who was still frozen with shock. She clicked her fingers at him and the Doctor blinked as if awakening from a trance.

"Where was I? Was that a hallucination?" he said. "I swore I just saw Jackie's sagging breasts and stretch marks."

"No, Mum was…she was in her knickers watching a porn film," Rose said.

"Um…I think we need to show Snuffy to your mum another day. I'm slightly nauseous now and I think I need to plug into the TARDIS matrix and go erase the last five minutes from my memory before I'm irretrievably traumatized for the rest of this life and all lives to come. Tell her goodbye, Rose, while I go vomit."

"Doctor…" Rose said as the Doctor retreated back into the TARDIS. "MUM, WE'RE LEAVING AND I'LL MAKE SURE THE DOCTOR TELLS ME WHERE WE'RE GOING SO I CAN RING YOU FIRST. BYE NOW!"

There was no reply and Rose decided to go back into the TARDIS, figuring Jackie was probably in her bedroom plotting to kill the Doctor slowly and painfully. She held Snuffy close while she went inside the TARDIS and shut the door behind her.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

Rose yawned and sat up in her bed. She had just woken up and was eager for adventures with the Doctor. She was about to get out of bed when the door opened. The Doctor came into the room, cradling Snuffy in his arms.

"I have been working with our daughter since last night," he said, setting Snuffy on the bed.

"Our daughter?" Rose said. "I gave birth to an elephant then?"

"Yes, it was a difficult birth but you pulled through," the Doctor said. "Anyway," he said as he grabbed a nearby wooden chair and brought it over to the bedside, "look at this. Come here, Snuffy," he said, picking up his little elephant and putting her on the chair. "Snuffy, sit up!"

Rose's eyes lit up when Snuffy sat back on her butt and raised her front legs and trunk up while the Doctor beamed proudly.

"I tried giving her peanuts but Snuffy's a bit small and she can't handle them without any teeth. So…I use this as a treat," he said, showing her a handful of raisins that he pulled out of his jacket pocket. "Here you go, Snuffy, good job," he said, giving her one.

Snuffy wrapped her trunk around the raisin and put it in her mouth.

"I have been teaching her all sorts of tricks," the Doctor said proudly, rubbing Snuffy's head. "I've been teaching her to walk with a lead as well so we don't have to hold her all the time. And the TARDIS made her some circus accessories so she'll look fabulous. Now…Snuffy, up, up!"

Snuffy stood up on her back legs and Rose clapped as the Doctor fed her another raisin. Snuffy fell forward onto all fours and the Doctor gave her another raisin as a treat.

"Doctor, doesn't it bother you that Weetabix is giving away elephants?" Rose said as the Doctor rubbed Snuffy's back. "What if someone gets an elephant and doesn't know how to take care of it properly."

"What are you saying then? We should go and stop Weetabix from purloining puny pachyderms and promoting them as prizes?"

"Yeah, I'm saying that," Rose said dryly while the Doctor sniggered and fed Snuffy another raisin.

"She's very easy to take care of," the Doctor said as he patted Snuffy's head. "Doesn't require much hay or water and she's portable. And if she gets cross and goes on a rampage, we won't end up underfoot."

"MEEEEEEE!" Snuffy trumpeted.

"And she's cute when she toots her horn," the Doctor said. "Maybe we could take her to your mum and show her off."

"Um..shouldn't we wait to do that?" Rose said with a wry grin.

"Whatever for?" the Doctor said.

"After what happened last time we tried to go there," Rose said.

"Why? What happened the last time we went there? As I recall, I dropped you off and you had tea with her while I fixed the circuitry. What else went on?"

It was then that Rose realized the Doctor had made good on his threat to erase the image of her naked mother from his mind and he truly had no idea what she meant. Rose briefly considered describing her naked mother to him and reintroducing that image back into his mind before dismissing that. She wasn't thrilled to see her mother naked either and she wouldn't make him remember it again."

"Nothing, never mind," Rose said. "I just think we should wait until Snuffy's toilet trained. I don't think Mum would want elephant poo all over the flat."

"Although…I could train her to poo on command. Maybe with a code word. How about…Jackie? Every time I say "Jackie", out comes the Dumbo dung!"

"No, that is not acceptable to me," Rose said.

"I didn't ask if it was," the Doctor said. "You're not the boss of me or Snuffy. I can train her to poo on command if I want to."

"And if Mum smacks the living hell out of your cheeks, will that be worth the risk?"

She smiled when the Doctor paused to consider that. She giggled when he rubbed his hand over his cheeks.

"Should I risk a slap for the pleasure of watching my Snuffles poo all over Jackie's flat?" he mused. "I mean I am a fast runner…so…I could outrun her."

"Okay, if you do it, I won't travel with you ever again," Rose said.

"Should I risk the loss of my ten a penny companion to enjoy the sight of shite all over Jackie's floor?" the Doctor mused.

"Ten a penny, am I?" Rose said. "Okay, I see the writing on the wall. I'm leaving, mate!"

The Doctor watched as she quickly got out of bed. He picked up Snuffy and followed her as she walked to her en suite bathroom.

"I was joking about the ten a penny thing," he said, leaning against the bathroom doorway while Rose got ready for the day. "You're special to me. Besides, you're the mother of our child. You can't leave her here without a mum."

"MEEEEEEEE!"

"See, she agrees," the Doctor said. "So come back to bed and watch me train Snuffy. I'll teach her to stand on her little head if it kills me."

"You don't want to go somewhere today, you just want to stand Snuffy on her head," Rose said.

"Well, that and the whole poo on command thing I was thinking of."

He giggled when Rose flicked water at him from the tap.

"Get dressed and get prepared, my faithful companion, we have much to do today," the Doctor said before turning and leaving the room.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

(And yet, another installment of Make Me Laugh…)

Rose was sitting in the lounge, smiling while she watched Snuffy playing in a small plastic kiddie pool near the TV. The little elephant was wading through the water inside the blue pool, hoovering up trunkfulls of water and spraying it on her back. Rose giggled when Snuffy meeeed at her when she spied her.

"Enjoying yourself, love?" Rose said fondly to the elephant.

Just then, the Doctor strolled into the room wearing his usual brown suit. But this time he had a pink tutu around his waist. He stopped by the pool and did a series of ballet moves while Rose watched him with a stone face. He stopped when Snuffy meeed at him.

"Hello, Daughter, enjoying the ballet?" he said, leaning over to pat her head.

While he did, he farted in Rose's direction. He jerked upright.

"Did you see that elephant run through here?" he asked Rose.

"Yeah and she turned around and got in there," Rose said, pointing to Snuffy in the pool.

"Her? She didn't make that noise. That was a jumbo noise, far beyond her," the Doctor said.

The Doctor walked over to Rose and stood in front of her. He parted his legs and waddled up until her legs were between his and the tutu was in her face. Rose kept a straight face while the Doctor stared at her. He then began rotating his hips back and forth, watching while the tutu swished over Rose's face.

"I'm not laughing," Rose said, pushing the tutu away from her face.

"Oh, but you will. I'm working on a device that will force the laughter from your lips," the Doctor said.

"Yeah, I'm terrified, really I am," Rose said dispassionately.

"I will go to fetch the device now."

The Doctor turned and did an overexaggerated walk towards the door. Snuffy meeeed at him and the Doctor smiled, turned towards her and leaned over to pat her on the head.

"You are so cute, everything you do is cute," the Doctor said as Snuffy sniffed his hand. "Not like Hagzilla over there. She's not cute at all."

"Neither are you with the poncy tutu on your waist."

"Nope, not cute at all," the Doctor said to Snuffy as he gave her another pat on the head. "Well, enjoy your bath, Snuffster, I must bring Rose her doom."

"Yeah, really, really scared," Rose said dryly as he left the room.

She turned her attention back to the TV while Snuffy bathed herself. Snuffy walked around the pool, splashing water on herself and shooting water at the sides of the plastic pool. Rose smiled when she meeed at her again and she got up and walked over to the pool. She knelt by it, scooping up water with her hand and putting it on Snuffy's back while Snuffy watched her. She put her hand under the water and held it there while she gently urged Snuffy to put her front feet on it. Then she slowly raised her hand and Snuffy's front feet up, giggling when Snuffy meed at her.

"So, you're over here now, are you?"

Rose sighed when she heard the Doctor. She looked up. He was standing beside her cradling a small black lacquer box under her arm. He was now dressed only in blue boxer shorts with yellow rubber duckies all over them.

"Trying to escape, are you?" he said to her.

"No, just playing with Snuffy," Rose said with a shrug.

"Lies. You're just afraid to admit you fear the Oncoming Storm."

Rose snorted at that and poured a bit of water on Snuffy's back. The Doctor knelt down and put the box down beside her. Rose glanced at it.

"That's my doom then?" she said to him.

"Precisely. Care to guess what it is?"

"The box. You're gonna hit me on the head with it."

"No!" the Doctor said dramatically. "Open it!"

"Why? Is something going to pop out and hit me?"

"Open it!" the Doctor said dramatically.

Rose sighed. She undid a gold clasp on the side of the box and flipped open the hinged top. She peered in before taking out a black feather and examining it. She gave the Doctor an inquiring look.

"Laugh or I'll force you to laugh," he said.

"By using a feather on me?"

"Do you want such torment?"

"Do you want a punch in the face?" Rose said, balling up her fist.

"Are you fast enough to hit my face?" the Doctor teased.

"I think so," Rose teased back.

The Doctor snorted at that but he pretended to reel back in shock when Rose lightly punched him on the chin.

"Oh my God, my neck is broken now," he said, holding the sides of his head. "I'll have to regenerate. Maybe I can regenerate into a mini elephant and be a friend for Snuffles?"

He paused when he suddenly realized Rose was laughing and a triumphant grin spread over his face.

"I WON!" he said, pointing at her. "YOU'RE LAUGHING!"

"Yeah, you won, whatever," Rose said good-naturedly.

The Doctor grinned and tickled Snuffy under the chin when she meed at him.

"Ahhh, I feel refreshed after my victory," he said with a sigh. "I shall go do other things….and get dressed. I'm a tad chilly now," he said, looking down at his boxer shorts. "Toodles, Rose, until later."

"Yeah, later," Rose said.

She shook her head and smiled when the Doctor whistled cheerfully and left the room.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Rose giggled as she lay on the sofa. Snuffy was walking across her tummy, heading for her head, and she was laughing at that.

"No, don't trample me, Snuffy," Rose said as Snuffy came towards her. "No, have mercy, please!"

She laughed when Snuffy stopped at her head and explored Rose's face with her trunk. Rose held up her little finger and Snuffy wrapped her trunk around it and put the tip of it in her mouth. She laughed and stroked Snuffy's back with her free hand. While she was doing that, the Doctor suddenly appeared, leaning over the back of the sofa.

"Hey, Snuffy and I are playing. Care to join in?" Rose said to him.

"I have decided that the day has come when you must be tested," the Doctor said, ignoring her question.

"Tested?"

"Yes, to see if you are worthy of being my companion."

"Um, I've been traveling with ya for nearly two years now," Rose said with a frown. "Isn't that proof of being your companion?"

"Unfortunately not. I have given you time to absorb the whole of time and space and get used to the life of a time traveler because now you must undergo the testing."

"Okay," Rose said, not sure what was going on.

"You must answer a single question. If you fail, you will die."

Rose stared at him, figuring he was joking but there was no hint of merriment in his eyes or on his face.

"Die?" she finally said.

"I cannot let you let you leave the TARDIS after all you have seen. You know too much."

"And my mum? Won't she have something to say about that?" Rose said.

"Perhaps, but I will simply refuse to go and visit her and she will wait forever more for you to come home," the Doctor said.

Rose studied his face but he was calm with a passive expression on his face while he gazed at her. Still, she refused to believe he was being serious so she decided to play along with him.

"So...what is the testing then?" she said as she stroked Snuffy's back.

"You must answer one question. One chance to answer the question. Incorrect answer...I snap your neck."

"Okay...what is the question then?"

"You are brave."

"I don't believe you're gonna kill me that's why I'm being brave," Rose said.

"You think you may know me but you don't. There are many things you don't know about me."

"Uh-huh. So if you kill people who get the question wrong, how come Sarah Jane is still living then?"

"She answered the question correctly and proved her worth. It's only when you get the question wrong that you die."

"Fine. What's the question then?"

The Doctor stared at her with silent intensity. By now, Snuffy was back to exploring Rose's face with her trunk while Rose stared up at the Doctor and waited for him to speak.

"Well? Out with it then," Rose finally said after a minute of silence.

"Are you ready, Companion?"

"Yeah," Rose said condescendingly.

"Very well. Here is the question then...two plus two equals what?"

Rose stared at him for a few seconds in surprise.

"Four," she said.

"Correct. You will be permitted to live then, carry on, Worthy Companion."

"Oh, piss off," Rose teased while the Doctor grinned and waggled his eyebrows.

"I never said it was a difficult question," the Doctor said with a shrug. "Apes need simple questions. If I give them a difficult question like quantum algebra, most apes' heads will go ka-boom. Besides, I like you and so does Snuffy so I went easy on ya."

"Sure ya did," Rose said with a grin.

The Doctor picked Snuffy up and kissed the top of her head.

"Is my Snuffikins behaving then?" he said in a baby voice to the elephant. "Is my Snuffy-Wuffy-Doodles having fun? You behave, my little daughter, and keep Rose entertrained with your cuteness and antics."

Snuffy meeed at him and Rose chuckled when the Doctor meed back and put her back down on Rose's tummy.

"Carry on then," he said to Rose before walking away from the sofa.

Rose watched him leave the room before chuckling and turning her attention back to Snuffy.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

"Now, Belzac, behave."

The purple skinned alien grabbed her giggling daughter before she could wander off and brought her back onto the blanket. She and her family had stopped for a family picnic on the moon of Raza and her two year old daughter was being rambunctious and wanting to explore while her father prepared the food for them. Belzac giggling some more when her mother's long silver hair draped over her shoulder and fell down beside Belzac. She grabbed it and tugged on it gently while her mother stroked her own soft fuzz of silver hair that was just beginning to grow. Belzac glanced at her father, a muscular purple skinned alien that also had a long mane of hair that cascaded down his back. He was setting some sandwiches down beside him and Belzac stood up and toddled over to them, her eyes agleam with hunger.

"Belzac, come and sit with Mummy and let Daddy prepare the meal," the mother said, grabbing onto her daughter's hand.

Belzac looked at her and scowled while her mother guided her back to her side. But her scowl vanished a moment later when her mother began tickling her.

"Okay, nearly ready and…"

The father fell silent when he suddenly heard a man's voice through the trees off to his right.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"See, I told you it was beautiful here," the Doctor said as he and Rose found a shady spot in a small clearing inside the Razarian forest. "Raza is renowned for its forests. It's has been voted the most picturesque moon by Space Travelers Monthly."

"Are there any ewoks here then?" Rose teased as she watched the Doctor spread a red blanket onto the ground.

"Ewoks? No. There are Raz here. Purple skinned aliens. They live in cities deep below the ground," the Doctor said as he took the wicker picnic basked Rose was holding and sat it on the corner of the blanket. "Peaceful people, very intelligent."

Rose sat down with the Doctor. She was holding Snuffy in one hand. Snuffy was wearing a tiny purple blanket around her middle and a tiny collar was around her neck. There was a lead attached to the collar and Rose held onto the looped end of it while Snuffy explored the blanket. The Doctor opened the picnic basket, pulled out a small plastic sack filled with raisins and fed one to Snuffy.

"There you go, Poppet," he said to Snuffy while she put the raisin in her mouth. "Today we are having a family picnic. Mum, Dad and daughter," he said, patting her on the head while he fed her another raisin.

"Belzac, no!"

The Doctor and Rose froze when they heard a woman's voice coming from somewhere off to their left. Then they heard a little girl giggle and a male commanding her to come back. The Doctor held up his finger and stood up.

"Hello," he said aloud. "I'm the Doctor. We mean you no harm; my friend and I are just having a picnic. We'll leave you alone if you leave us alone, yeah? After all, the forest is big enough for all of us."

Both parties fell silent except for Snuffy's meeing while she looked for more raisins. Then they heard the sound of leaves rustling and twigs snapping. Rose stiffened but the Doctor put his hands in his pockets and adopted an unconcerned demeanor. Then they saw a large purple skinned man emerging through the trees. He was dressed in a white toga and his silver hair swayed in the breeze. He stopped and looked at the Doctor, Rose and Snuffy.

"Hello, I'm the Doctor, pleasure to meet you. This is Rose and this little cutie is Snuffy," he said, pointing down to the elephant. "As you can see, we're about to have lunch and that's all we're doing so please don't hurt us."

The man gazed at them for a moment before turning and going back into the forest.

"Have a good day," the Doctor said cheerfully before sitting back down.

"You think that's the end of it?" Rose said as the Doctor fed Snuffy another raisin.

"Better be the end of it. I don't fancy getting into a fight but if I have to…"

They froze when they heard movement again and the Doctor stood up. The man came through the trees, this time carrying a white blanket and large plastic container. The Doctor regarded this with interest and watched while the man moved past them to an empty spot in the clearing.

"Ah, you're also having a bit of a nosh, how delightful," he said while the man set down the items and began to spread the blanket out on the ground.

Rose was watching the man when she heard more movement and a tiny giggle. She turned her head and saw a woman standing in the trees, giving them a wary look. In her arm was a small baby that laughed and pointed at Rose.

"Hi, I'm Rose. We won't hurt you. Come and eat with us," Rose said.

The female nodded and walked forward. She held Belzac tightly while the toddler's attention was fixated on Snuffy. She ooed at the elephant and pointed to Snuffy while they walked by Rose. The Doctor reintroduced himself to the female and she nodded.

"I am Shyla, this is my mate, Terzor," she said to the Doctor. "And this is our daughter, Belzac."

"Pleasure. Absolute pleasure," the Doctor said, crossing to shake hands with them while Rose got to her feet in order to do the same. "Nice to know that there are others who view this spot as a prime picnicking place."

He smiled when Belzac cooed and pointed to Snuffy again. The Doctor picked her up and Rose came to his side so Snuffy wouldn't choke on the lead. The Doctor held Snuffy out and Belzac's eyes widened with wonder while she put her hand out to Snuffy. She giggled when Snuffy wrapped her trunk around Belzac's index finger.

"What an unusual animal," Shyla said to the Doctor.

"Yes. They normally are much, much larger. This one has been miniaturized which makes her more cute."

Shyla gently guided her daughter's hand away from Snuffy while the Doctor gently uncoiled her trunk. The two parties sat down on their respective blankets and chatted while they ate their lunches.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

"So…why are we doing this?" Rory said to the Doctor and he and his wife followed them through the forest.

"We are visiting a very special person today…well, two very special people but there is one in particular that I want you to meet," the Doctor said over his shoulder while they walked.

"And that special person is…" Amy said.

"Snuffy."

Amy and Rory glanced at each other.

"Snuffy?" Amy said.

"My little Snuffy Lumpkins, I miss her," the Doctor said wistfully.

"And is Snuffy a boy or a girl?" Rory asked.

"Snuffy is a girl. But…she is a teeny weeny elephant that I won from a Weetabix promotion."

Amy and Rory gave him odd looks. The Doctor looked over his shoulder, saw their consternation and chuckled.

"This way, mother and father in law," he said, beckoning them to follow him.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The Doctor and Rose ate their meal and chatted with their new friends. Belzac was feeding Snuffy raisins, cooing and giggling at the elephant while she took each individual sultana with her trunk and put them in her mouth.

"She is an amazing creature," Shyla said to the Doctor.

"That she is," the Doctor said, rubbing Snuffy's back. "and she's a good little girl. And she loves her treats," he added while Belzac fed her another raisin.

Suddenly Terzor stood up.

"Something is coming," he said, pointing to the forest.

Everyone except Belzac turned their attention to the forest. A moment later, a man emerged from it followed by another man and woman.

"Good morning," Eleven said lightly to everyone. "My friends and I are having a stroll. I see you're having a picnic."

"Yes," Ten said, standing up. "Won't you join us?"

Eleven shielded his mind from his younger self so he wouldn't realize his true identity. Eleven shook his head.

"No, that's alright. We're not hungry," he said to him. "We would like to stop for a moment and chat though."

While Ten made introductions, Amy nudged Rory and pointed to Snuffy. They did a double take and glanced at each other. Rose noticed their reactions.

"Yeah, it's not a normal sized elephant," she said to them. "But she's better than any dog. This is Snuffy."

"Wow," Amy said in wonder as she knelt down beside Rose.

Rose took a few of the raisins from the box and gave them to Amy. She coaxed Snuffy over and Amy held out a raisin. She grinned when Snuffy took it and ate it.

"Rory, try this," Amy said as her husband knelt down beside her.

Rory took a raisin from her and fed Snuffy. Snuffy ate it and Rory grinned when she searched his empty palm with her trunk, looking for more. Amy held out another raisin and Snuffy took it from her and ate it. Amy glanced at Eleven when he knelt down behind Snuffy. She noticed his eyes were slightly misty while he stroked the elephant's back and she wondered what happened to Snuffy. She'd never seen any sign of her in the TARDIS and she could tell from the Doctor's reaction that it'd been a long time since he'd seen his pet. Amy smiled when Belzac toddled over to her and she and the toddler fed the remaining raisins to Snuffy while everyone else watched.

"She's an extraordinary animal," Eleven said to Ten.

"Yes, she is. She's more than a pet, she's family to me and Rose," Ten said proudly.

Eleven looked at Rose. Rose returned the gaze and was stunned when she saw a loving look on his face. It puzzled her. She didn't know this man but he was giving her the same look that her Doctor often gave her. But before she could say anything, Eleven looked away and turned his attention back to Snuffy.

"What'd you say your name was again?" Rose asked Eleven.

"I'm John Simons," he said, glancing at her again.

Rose nodded but she couldn't shake the feeling that "John Simons" seemed familiar to her. But her attention was turned to Snuffy when Snuffy let out her little meee and everyone laughed at it. Ten grinned, took a raisin from the box and coaxed Snuffy into standing up on her back legs while everyone watched.

"Wow, she's amazing," Amy said while Ten fed Snuffy the raisin and patted her back.

"Yup, she's our little darling," Ten said fondly while Snuffy ate the raisin.

"Well, I think it's time to move on," Eleven said, standing up.

"Sure? You're welcome to eat with us," Ten said.

Eleven shook his head and Amy and Rory stood up.

"Nah, we want to continue our hike while daylight is burning," he said to them. "But you enjoy your meal and it was nice to meet all of you."

Amy and Rory echoed the sentiment and both of them bent over and pet Snuffy's back. Eleven did the same and Amy noticed the same struggle not to cry that she'd seen earlier. Eleven held out his index finger and smiled when Snuffy curled her trunk around it. Snuffy held her trunk there for a moment while Eleven gazed at her lovingly. Then Snuffy let go and meed at her. Eleven swallowed a lump and patted her head before standing up. He, Amy and Rory bid goodbye to everyone and they went back the way they came.

"Doctor," Amy said when they were out of earshot, "what happened to Snuffy?"

"She died a few years ago," the Doctor said wistfully.

"I thought elephants lived a long time," Rory said.

"They do. But we never knew how old Snuffy was when we got her. For all we know she was in her final years and I'm sure the miniaturization process mucked with her lifespan. But she died peacefully, she wasn't obliterated by a Dalek or anything like that."

"But you miss her," Amy said.

"I always miss my Snuffy Lumpkins, every single day," the Doctor said. "She was a good little daughter."

Amy glanced at her husband. She tugged on the Doctor's jacket and when he stopped, she embraced him.

"Risking your husband's wrath?" the Doctor teased as he hugged her back.

"Just giving you a hug in Snuffy's honor," Amy said.

The Doctor beamed at that and hugged her tightly before letting go.

"Well, now that I've introduced you to my daughter, let's go find something to do," he said to Amy and Rory. "Come along, Ponds! Adventure calls!"


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

Rose was relaxing, stretched out on the TARDIS sofa while Snuffy played in her kiddie pool. She smiled when Snuffy sucked up a trunkful of water and sprayed it on her back.

"You're having the time of your life, ain't ya?" Rose said affectionately while Snuffy sucked up another trunkful of water.

"Rose?"

Rose was shocked when she heard the Doctor's voice echoing through the room. She looked around but didn't see him.

"Yeah?" she finally said after a moment's hesitation.

"Sorry if I startled you, I'm using an intercom system. I need your opinion on something."

"Okay…" Rose said. "You couldn't tell me this in person?"

"Well…no…not before I asked your permission."

"If you need my opinion, I'll give it to you," Rose said.

"Brilliant. Just wait right there, I'll be in the lounge in a mo."

Rose stared at the ceiling waiting for the Doctor to say something more. She shrugged when she didn't hear anything else after thirty seconds and smiled at Snuffy who was now walking around the pool.

"Daddy's coming to see us," Rose said, stroking Snuffy's wet back while Snuffy slurped up some of the water with her trunk and squirted it into her mouth.

"Rose, are you in there?"

Rose looked up when she heard the Doctor's voice just outside the lounge doorway.

"Yeah, come on in," she yelled to him.

She expected him to come in wearing his usual outfit. Instead, she was shocked when he entered the room half naked, wearing a leather kilt, leather moccosins, a mask made from the top half of a human skull and a feathered headdress. He carried a wooden staff topped with feathers and tiny crystal shards on it. Rose was speechless as the Doctor walked over to her.

"So..." he said when he reached her.

"I...what the hell is this?" Rose said, gesturing to the loincloth.

"It's a loincloth," the Doctor said.

"I know that but why are you dressed like this?"

"Well, I am a Death Dancer."

"You what?" Rose said. "What's that?"

"Hello, Snuffy Lumpkins," the Doctor said as he bent over to stroke his pet's back, "are you enjoying your swim?"

"Doctor, what's a Death Dancer?" Rose repeated.

"They're part of a tribe of natives on Andalusian Seven. Death Dancer is one of the warrior societies and I was welcomed into it during my sixth life."

"And they wear this?" Rose said.

"Yes. This is the official dress and regalia of the society."

"And you want my opinion on it?"

"No. I want your opinion on my performance. You see, I've been invited back during Bankos De Morta, one of their most important festivals. I've been asked to lead the Dance of the Dead and I want you to judge my performance."

"Um...okay," Rose said, intrigued about the Dance of the Dead.

"Ahh, my Snuffy Lumpkins likes my outfit," the Doctor said, stroking the elephant's back when she meed at him. "I will dance the dance for you as well, my Lumpy Poo Poo."

Rose giggled when he lifted the skull mask and made kissy faces at his elephant for a few moments. Then he lowered the mask and walked over to the TV. He held the staff over his head and shrieked and trilled his voice. Then he lowered the staff and began to stomp dance around the room, waving and spinning the staff over his head while he chanted in an alien language. Rose grinned when she noticed that Snuffy had stopped what she was doing and was watching the Doctor as he danced around the room. Then he stopped what he was doing and stood still. Rose was about to offer her critique when he suddenly thrust his staff in her direction.

"You will come!" he said in a deep voice.

"Come? Come where?" Rose said.

"Here," the Doctor said, pointing to the space in front of him.

Rose got up from the sofa and walked over to him.

"Pick up the pacyderm," the Doctor said, pointing to Snuffy.

Rose bent down and gently picked up Snuffy. Snuffy meed at her and Rose held her close to her body.

"And now, I will begin the ritual sacrifice of the innocents," the Doctor said in a booming voice as he raised his stuff up above his head.

"Sorry? You're going to do what now?"

"Silence, Sacrifice," the Doctor said, thrusting his finger in her face. "You must not speak!"

"Um...I hope this is part of the show because if you lay a finger on me or Snuffy..."

"Um...I believe I just said be quiet, those were my words, were they not?" the Doctor said, leaning in close to her face.

Rose looked at the Doctor's eyes through the skull's eyeholes and giggled as he brought her finger up and tried to poke his right eye. The Doctor jerked his head back.

"You disrespectful Varg!" he said to Rose. "I shall gut you like a pig, you clito fondoo!"

"Yeah, those insults were really devastatingly painful to hear, especially since I don't know what you said apart from the gut like a pig part."

"Voooo halloooooo!" the Doctor howled as he thrust his staff into the sky.

"Yeah, I'm wetting myself as we speak. Come on, Snuffy, let's have a bit of lunch, eh?"

"Hey! Stop! I'm threatening you with painful death!" the Doctor said as Rose walked away with Snuffy. "I am a Death Dancer and you will not survive this insult!"

"I think a bit of fruit will be good for you after your bath," Rose said to Snuffy as she ignored her peeved friend.

She went out of the room and headed towards the kitchen. A moment later, the Doctor joined her, still dressed in full regalia and holding his staff.

"I feel like some food as well," he said as he walked beside her.

"So let me guess, you're not a Death Dancer, this was a wind up," Rose said to him.

"Yes and no, the part about being part of the Death Dancer Society was true but there is no festival of the dead, I just wanted to see your reaction to my outfit."

"That figures. Well, your outfit is pants and that's my official opinion," Rose said.

"Just for that, give me back my elephant," the Doctor said, reaching for Snuffy.

"No, she's mine, I claim her now," Rose said.

She laughed when the Doctor gave her an incensed look and she took off running with Snuffy snuggled against her chest.

"You just wait, Rose Tyler, I will get you when you least expect it, I will, I will, I will!" the Doctor yelled at her as Rose flipped him the vees and sprinted towards the kitchen.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Rose chuckled as she sat at the kitchen table and watched Snuffy's antics. She had cut the top off a small plastic purple cup and was trying to get Snuffy to get up completely on it. Finally after an hour and a handful of raisins, Snuffy finally was up on the cup. Rose fed her a few raisins before deciding to find the Doctor and show him what Snuffy could do. She put the box of raisins in her pocket and put the cup in the other before picking up Snuffy and holding the tiny elephant close to her body. Snuffy glanced up at her and Rose smiled when the elephant felt the underside of Rose's chin with her tiny trunk.

"Getting the sample of Weetabix was the best decision we ever made, Snuffykins," Rose said while Snuffy meed at her.

She walked into the console room and looked around but the Doctor was absent. Rose asked the TARDIS to lead her to him and she turned and went back the way she came. The TARDIS switched the corridors around and Rose followed the direct route to a door at the end. When she came to the door, she paused when she heard cries of anguish and yells of rage coming through it. She slowly opened it and the cries grew louder along with the clanking of steel. She realized there was a battle going on but this was the door the TARDIS led her to so she kept the door half closed while she yelled the Doctor's name through it.

"PAUSE SIMULATION!" she heard the Doctor yell before the battle sounds fell silent.

Rose still hesitated a moment, reluctant to go inside since she had no idea what the hell was going on.

"Yes?" she heard the Doctor say after thirty seconds of silence. "Rose?"

"Yeah, it's me and Snuffy. Can we come in?" she said at the doorway.

"Course, come in."

"What was that before? It sounded like a battle," Rose said through the door.

"It'd be much easier if you came in here and I showed you. Don't worry, it's perfectly safe."

Rose opened the door all the way and froze when she saw two strange men in front of her. Both men were frozen in the act of dueling with long swords, both of them covered with blood and mud and both had enraged looks on their faces. While she stared at the men in shock, the Doctor walked over and waved when he stopped behind them.

"They're holograms, come here," he said to her.

Rose stepped into the room and noticed that the two men weren't the only one fighting. All over the room, men were engaged in frozen combat. There were also dead and dying men all over the floor. Rose held out her hand towards the two men she first saw. Her hand went straight through the chest of one of them while the Doctor strolled up to her.

"What is this?" she said while the Doctor leaned over and kissed Snuffy on the top of her head.

"This is a simulation room; it allows me to see different things in holographic 3D. This is the Battle of Shara, an important battle that took place centuries ago on Zeke. I was studying it for my own edification and this allows me to be in the midst of the action without putting myself in danger. Come. Join me and I'll explain what's going on."

Rose closed the door and followed him when he beckoned to her. He led her through the midst of the battle while he reached into his pocket and put his glasses on. They stopped near the back of the room and the Doctor pointed out two men. Both of them were young and muscular and wearing armor all over their bodies except for their heads. The man on the right was about to strike the other one with his sword, his face contorted in rage and covered in blood and mud. The other man had a snake tattoo on his forehead, was also covered in mud and blood and was bringing his sword up to block the man's strike. The Doctor pointed to the man with the snake tattoo.

"This is the king of Zeke, Shadra the Third," he said while Rose came up beside him. "The tattoo is a symbol of his household and a sign of his rank. The other bloke is Jesthra the Usurper, the one that killed him and seized power for himself. This battle is where the Usurper took power and we are moments away from Shadra's death. I was studying it when I heard you call to me. This battle brought about a time of peace and prosperity for Zeke, it's a turning point for their entire civilization and that's why I was studying it. So…do you want to watch Shadra's death?"

Rose nodded and the Doctor patted Snuffy's head and let her wrap her trunk around his index finger while he called to the TARDIS and told her to resume the simulation. The battle started again and the sounds of rage, fear and death echoed around the room while Rose watched Shadra block Jesthra's strike. The men continued to fight with the swords while the Doctor walked around them, observing at every angle.

Then suddenly, another soldier ran up behind Shadra, swung his sword at his right leg and took it clean off, much to Rose's disgust. Shadra screamed out in anguish as he fell backwards onto the muddy ground, blood spurting from the stump as he held what remained of his leg. Jesthra sneered at the terrified look on Shadra's face as he held his hand out in a gesture of mercy.

"SO FALLS A TYRANT!" Jesthra bellowed before he brought his sword down and cleaved Shadra's neck from his body.

"Ugh, what a horrible way to die," Rose said while Jesthra raised his bloody sword and bellowed a triumphant yell.

"Compared to his troops, Shadra's death was quick and merciful," the Doctor said to her, studying the headless body.

"Why? What happened to them?" Rose said.

"Boiled and burned alive," the Doctor said. "Jesthra punished them for supporting a cruel tyrant."

"And he thought he was better? After doing all that?" Rose said to the Doctor.

"TARDIS, stop the simulation," the Doctor said to the ceiling. "Well, he had to do something," he said to Rose as the simulation stopped and the room became silent. "Shadra's supporters swore an oath to serve him; Jesthra couldn't trust them so he took steps to remove them. But after that, his reign was peaceful and prosperous. Zeke's history is fascinating, actually. It's worth a look."

"So you can see anything in this room?" Rose said as the Doctor ordered the simulation to end.

"Yes, I can," the Doctor said as the simulation vanished and Rose noticed they were standing in an enormous steel room like an airplane hangar. "In fact," he added, patting Snuffy on the head. "TARDIS, run a simulation of elephants in Africa for Snuffy."

The steel room was replaced by the African savannah and they were standing amidst a group of elephants, young and old, male and female. The Doctor took Snuffy from Rose and sat her on the ground, watching with amusement as Snuffy looked at the simulated elephants the moment she heard their trumpeting calls. She called to them with her tiny meee and Rose was aware that Snuffy was barely taller than one of the adult's feet. Snuffy walked around and meed at the elephants.

"I think she knows she's among her people," the Doctor said to Rose as he neared closer to her.

Rose wondered if Snuffy had been taken from a family group and she wondered if Snuffy thought that she was back with her family again since she was meeing her heart out, trying to get the holographic elephant's attention. She told her thoughts to the Doctor and he nodded sadly.

"Yes, I have a feeling you're right. I think little Snuffy misses her elephant family. She's our daughter now but still…we can't be actual elephant parents for her."

He walked over and bent over to Snuffy.

"You miss your real family, don't you, Snuffy Lumpkins," he said while Rose fought back a lump in her throat. "You love us but you love your elephant mummy and daddy as well, eh?"

He smiled and rubbed her back when Snuffy meed at him. He picked Snuffy up and held him close. Rose came over to him.

"I was looking for you because I taught Snuffy a new trick," Rose said. "But if you're busy in here, we can wait."

"No, I want to see it," the Doctor said. "I was doing this out of boredom. But if our daughter has a trick, I want to see it."

He let Snuffy look at the elephants for a moment more before closing down the simulation. Holding Snuffy close, he followed Rose out of the room and closed the door behind them.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty One

"So where are we going?" Rose said as she followed the Doctor through the Console Room.

"Oh, I had an idea, a fabulous idea and you and Snuffy Lumpkins are going to be part of it," the Doctor said over his shoulder.

He held his elephant in one hand and a black bowler hat in the other. Around Snuffy's neck was a collar and a lead led off it. The lead hung down from the Doctor's hand and came back up to the loop around his wrist. He handed the bowler hat to Rose before he opened the door with his free hand.

"Behold, Rose Tyler, Hollywood!" he said as they stepped out of the TARDIS. "Where dreams come true."

"And crowds are enormous," Rose said as they stepped out of an alleyway into a sea of bodies. "Ugh..." she added, looking at all the souvenier shops and museums around them. Talk about a tourist trap."

She noticed that there were several people wandering around dressed up as characters from film, tv and video games. She saw someone dressed as Batman, Spider-Man, Jack Sparrow and Sonic the Hedgehog mingling with the crowds and pausing for photos. There were also singers, dancers and other street performers spread out along the sidewalk, performing for money. The Doctor beckoned to Rose and she followed him to an unoccupied space on the sidewalk.

"Hold the hat out," he instructed her. "Snuffy is going to be a street performer today and we'll see if we can't get some money for lunch."

Rose stood beside him and held out the hat with one hand while the Doctor called for everyone's attention.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN," he yelled. "I PRESENT TO YOU, THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD...SNUFFY, THE PYGMY PACHYDERM!"

He held Snuffy up and immediately those in the vicinity of the Doctor slowed down and pointed at Snuffy. The Doctor set Snuffy down on the ground, keeping the loop of her lead around his wrist while he called for the crowd to gather around. He commanded Snuffy to go up on her hind legs and fed her a raisin after she did it and everyone applauded. He had her do a few more tricks and walked her around so everyone could see her. By this time people were beginning to put change and dollar bills into Rose's hat. She thanked them graciously when they did so while the Doctor picked Snuffy up and brought her over to a group of children. He let them stroke her and feed her raisins while he beamed at the joy on the children's faces. Then he noticed a young black girl sitting in a wheelchair off to his left. She was nine years old with her hair in braided pigtails and light brown skin. He noticed she was leaning forward, trying to get a glance at Snuffy so he took his elephant over to her.

"What's your name?" the Doctor asked her.

"Annie," she said shyly.

"Annie, this is Snuffy," the Doctor said, putting her in Annie's lap. "Would you like to pet her?"

Annie nodded and smiled while she gently stroked Snuffy's back. The Doctor glanced up and saw a middle aged woman standing behind the wheelchair. He guessed this was her mother and she nodded and smiled at her when they made eye contact. By this time, the children had walked back over and the Doctor gave Annie and some of the children raisins to feed Snuffy. They giggled when Snuffy ate them and then meed at them.

"Where did you get her?" Annie's mother asked the Doctor as she pointed to Snuffy.

"Um...it's a robot, a very sophisticated robot," the Doctor said after a moment's thought.

"Wow, that's wonderful," Annie's mother said as she reached down to feel Snuffy's back. "It even feels real."

"Yup, I paid a pretty penny to get it but it's worth it to see the children smile."

He glanced back at Rose.

"How much did we get?" he mouthed to her.

Rose tipped the hat up and showed it to him. the bottom was filled with money. The Doctor nodded and told the disappointed crowd that it was time for them to go.

"Sorry, everyone, but the little diva here needs a bit of rest but we'll be back soon," he said, picking Snuffy up.

He held Snuffy aloft and let the crowd say goodbye to her. To his delight, Snuffy meed back at them and feeling joy in his hearts at making the crowd smile, he walked over to Rose.

"Very good work, my trust companion," he said, glancing at the considerable amount of money in the hat. "Told you it would work. Now...let's let the diva have a bit of rest back in the TARDIS and you and I will spend a day in Hollywood."


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two

"There we go," the Doctor said.

He was sitting on the jump seat with Snuffy beside him. He had just finished working on a new monitoring system for his TARDIS, a tiny silver orb that would float around his ship and beam back images of what was going on to his console monitor. He was quite proud of it and he showed it to Snuffy.

"See, I can see everything that happens from here now," he said to her.

He opened a tiny panel on top of the silver ball, pushed a little black button and closed it. He threw the ball up into the air and it hovered above the Doctor's head.

"See, it floats," he said to Snuffy while he pointed to it. "Let's do a test run, eh?"

He walked over to his monitor, hit a few buttons and sent the ball on its way out of the room.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose sang and danced her way down the corridor. It'd been a slow day in the TARDIS. The Doctor told her he was working on a project so without much else to do, Rose had been exploring. After an hour of silence while searching, she couldn't tolerate it any longer. She took out her Ipod, put her in her earbuds and listented to music while she looked in the various rooms on board the ship. Soon the music got to her which was why she was singing aloud and half dancing as she walked along the corridors. She was so into the music, she didn't realize that a little silver orb had entered the corridor behind her. The orb glided up behind her and hovered nearby, observing her while she stopped and danced and sang along to the song on her Ipod. Then the orb lowered itself and studied her gyrating hips and bouncing ass for a few minutes while Rose remained oblivious to it. Then Rose danced on down the hallway and the orb followed her.

Then she reached another door and the orb went up above her head as she turned her body towards it. The orb came down behind her while Rose tested the doorknob and opened the unlocked door, peering inside at the contents of the room.

"Being nosy, are we?" the Doctor said to himself as he sat on the jump seat and watched the monitor from there. "Getting into things we shouldn't be getting into, Tyler? I suppose I'll have to use the intercom function on my orb and scare her into keeping her nosey nose to herself."

He got up and walked over to the console.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose walked into the narrow cupboard after opening the door and noticed there were stacks of magazines piled nearly to the ceiling. She hummed to herself while she reached up and carefully pulled a magazine down off of one of the stacks. Her eyes widened when she realized it was Playboy. While she was doing this, the Doctor piloted the orb until he could see over her shoulder. He groaned to himself when he saw what the magazine was.

"Trust Rose to find the vintage Playboy collection," he muttered to himself.

"Into porn, are you, Doctor?" he heard Rose say as she opened the magazine.

"No, Rose," the Doctor said in a snotty voice as he watched, "I'm not into porn."

So far, he hadn't activated the microphone so Rose couldn't hear him but he watched as she took down another Playboy and made a comment about how he was a pervy old man underneath his wise alien persona.

"That's it then, Tyler, you're getting outta my cupboard after that remark," the Doctor said, reaching down to press the on button for the microphone.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

"God, Doctor, do you wank off when no one's looking?" Rose muttered as she took another Playboy down off the stack. "No wonder you like being alone in the console room."

"ROSE TYLER, GET OUTTA MY CUPBOARD!"

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

The Doctor's mouth dropped open when he noticed his bellowed command elicited no response from her. He then rolled his eyes when he realized she probably had the volume of her Ipod at full blast. Muttering about how she was gonna make herself deaf, he tried another tactic to get her attention.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Rose put the magazines back on the stack and reached for another magazine off another stack. She took it down and raised her eyebrow. Instead of Playboy, this magazine was Hot Rodder's Monthly and there was a cherry red hot rod on the front cover of the magazine.

"Cars and slutty women, just like a normal human man," Rose said, shaking her head.

She was about to put it back on the stack when something suddenly rammed her ass. Something cold and hard. She gasped and dropped the magazine as she spun around. Her eyes widened when she came face to face with the orb.

"What the hell is this?" Rose muttered as she reached up to touch it.

She jerked back when the orb came towards her and nearly topple over the stacks of magazines. She watched while the orb went to the cord of her right earbud, positioned itself beside it and tried to jerk it so the earbud would come out. Rose understood what it was doing and took the earbud out and the orb stopped and hovered up to her face.

"Get out of my cupboard," she heard the Doctor say through a tinny speaker hidden somewhere on the orb.

"Doctor, why do you have Playboys in here?" Rose said after getting over the shock of hearing his voice coming through the silver orb.

"I collect vintage magazines and Playboy is one such collection. No, I do not "wank off" as you put it. Now pick up the magazine you dropped and get outta here post haste!"

"Alright, i'm going," Rose said annoyed.

She rolled her eyes and turned to pick up the magazine from the floor. As she bent over, the Doctor couldn't resist another quick peek at her ass so he dipped down, surveyed the goods and quickly left the room before she twigged on. Rose put the magazine back onto the stack and turned around to face the orb.

"Good. Now leave and don't poke around in my things without my express permission. And turn down the bloody volume on your Ipod before you make yourself deaf."

"Yes, Daddy," Rose said sarcastically.

The orb came into close to Rose's face and Rose gave him a defiant look, figuring he was going to say something about the Daddy comment. Instead, the orb zoomed up above her head and Rose gasped when the Doctor bonked her once on the head with it before zooming away. Rose flipped the vees to the air in front of her and with a sigh, she left the room and shut the door behind her.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three

After making a few modifications, the Doctor sent out his silver orb on another test flight through the TARDIS. Specifically, he was trying to find Rose and see what she was up to.

He found her roaming the TARDIS corridors again, this time without Ipod accompaniment. He zoomed in front of her and Rose sighed when the orb stopped and hovered in front of her.

"I'm not being a nosy nose and I haven't peeked in any cupboards," she said to him.

"Very good," the Doctor said through the orb, "keep it that way."

"Yes, Daddy," Rose said before walking past the orb.

She walked for about fifty feet before looking over her shoulder. She sighed angrily when she noticed the orb was following her.

"I'm not opening cupboards!" she said testily when she turned to confront the orb.

"I believe ya. I'm just bored and curious about what you're doin'," the Doctor said.

"Meeee."

"Snuffy Lumpkins is bored as well," the Doctor said when Rose heard the elephant through the orb. "Lead on, my friend and partner in crime!"

Rose turned around and the orb followed her as she walked down the corridor. For five minutes, there was nothing but silence as Rose passed door after door.

"This sucks," she finally heard the Doctor say, "open a door."

"I thought I wasn't supposed to," Rose said.

"Yeah, well, I'm granting you special permission. So open one."

Rose stopped at the next door, tried the doorknob and opened the door. She widened her eyes when she suddenly felt the orb nestle down in the hair on top of her head.

"Ah, much better view here," she heard the Doctor say. "It's Rosecam!"

Rose rolled her eyes. She found the cupboard's lightswitch and turned it on but to her dismay there was nothing in the cupboard except coats on hangers.

"Wow, out of all the doors in here, we picked the boringest one," she heard the Doctor say. "Although I wondered where that burgany peacoat got to, nice to know I still have it. Anyway, try something else, Rose."

Rose turned off the light, backed out and shut the door. She waited for the orb to get off her head but it stayed there.

"Well?" the Doctor finally said when she didn't move.

"Get off my head," Rose said.

"No, I like the view here. I'm not hurting you so quit whinging and go open a door."

"Meeee."

"Snuffy agrees."

"Sure, she does," Rose muttered as she walked on.

She tried another door and found to her delight that it was filled with toys.

"Ooo, my toy collection, much better than coats," the Doctor said.

Rose smiled and walked further inside. There was a large wooden bookcase filled with toys as well as a wooden toychest and a couple of clear plastic bins that were filled with more toys. Rose examined a clown doll while the orb lifted off her head and slowly went around the room, viewing the other toys.

"I'm quite the pack rat, eh?" the Doctor said as he stared at a yellow rubber ball sitting on the bookshelf.

"Yes, you are," Rose said as she put the doll back in the toy chest. "I thought you said you never carried money so where did all this stuff come from. You didn't pinch it, did ya?"

She waited for a response but the orb just kept going around the room and she guessed in most cases the answer was yes. She sighed when the orb settled back on top of her head.

"This is most comfy here, too bad I can't do it with my physical body."

"Yeah, too bad about that," Rose muttered as she turned off the light and went outside.

She closed the door and was about to move on when the orb suddenly zoomed down to her face.

"Do you like me?"

Rose blinked her eyes in shock when she heard the Doctor pose that question. She thought he was winding her up since it seemed like a stupid question but the orb hovered there and she could tell he was waiting for a response.

"Yes, Doctor, I like you," Rose finally said.

The orb hovered there for a moment before coming up to her cheek. Rose felt the orb go gently up and down her cheek in a kind of nuzzling motion before backing up.

"Thank you," the Doctor said.

"Um...you're welcome," Rose said, a bit thrown off by the sudden show of affection.

"Meeee."

"Do you like Snuffy Lumpkins? She's a bit worried as well."

Rose grinned.

"Yes, I like Snuffy Lumpkins," she said.

The orb came back to her cheek and nuzzled it once more before backing up.

"You know, I'm hungry. Shall we get pizza?" the Doctor said.

"Um...yeah, that sounds good," Rose said.

"Good. Follow this orb back to the front. I have an idea," the Doctor said.

"Lead on," Rose said.

The orb slowly glided away with Rose following right behind it.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty Four

"So..." Jack said to his team as they sat in the Hub's meeting room, "this meeting is now officially started so...any complaints, gripes, moans, groans?"

"Ianto's coffee is a bit off lately," Owen said.

"I've been a bit off, I haven't felt well," Ianto said to him.

"Well, fix that so we can have good tasting coffee again," Owen said to him.

"Yeah, I'll tell the germs in my body to hurry up and go so you can have your coffee back," Ianto muttered sarcastically.

"I have something," Gwen said.

"Yes, Mrs. Williams, you have the floor," Jack said, gesturing to her.

"Curtains," Gwen said.

"I'm sorry?" Jack said, frowning.

"We need more curtains in here, it's depressing," Gwen said.

"In...the meeting room?" Jack said, his eyes glancing around.

"No, everywhere. We need more curtains. We need a woman's touch in this place," Gwen said.

"I agree," Tosh said.

"I don't," Owen said.

"Well, that's not surprising," Tosh said, "you don't agree with anything anyone says."

"I do too," Owen said. "But I draw the line at curtains and fluffy, lace, frilly things around here. The Hub is fine as is."

"Oh, I don't know about that, it could do with a splash of color," Ianto said.

"And some lace pink pillows on our sofa," Jack said.

Owen rolled his eyes while Jack grinned at Ianto. Owen was about to tell everyone to talk about something other than girl things when they suddenly heard a wheezing sound coming from behind Jack. Jack's eyes bulged and he gripped the arms of his chair as a blue box slowly materialized behind him to the astonishment of everyone else in the room.

"Okay, what the hell is that?" Owen said, pointing to the blue box.

"That...is the man I've been waiting for all these years," Jack said, leaping up and spinning to face the TARDIS.

He was about to go knock on the door when the door opened and to his surprise, a small silver orb zoomed out and hovered in front of his face.

"Wow, you look scruffy," Ten said through the orb. "You need to shave, Jack."

"I'm sorry, who or what are you?" Jack said to the orb while everyone else clustered around him.

"I am the Doctor, Jack."

Jack cocked his eyebrow.

"You regenerated into a silver flying ball thing?" he said.

"No, it's his annoying surveillance thing."

Jack looked at the TARDIS door and grinned when Rose stepped through it.

"Blondie! Finally someone I recognize!" he said, stepping around the ball to embrace her.

As he held her tightly, the orb came over and hovered to the side. Jack glanced at the orb.

"What?" he said to it.

"Just making sure you're being platonic and nothing more," the Doctor said through the orb.

"Is this the Doctor now? This annoying ball thing?" Jack said to Rose after finishing his hug

"No, he's inside with our pet elephant. He's just being a pest," Rose said, waving her hand dismissively.

"Pet elephant? You have a pet elephant now?" Jack said while his team came up behind him and stared at Rose.

"Excuse me but who is this?" Owen finally said.

"Oh...Rose Tyler, this is my team," Jack said before quickly making introductions. "This is Rose, I traveled with her and the Doctor...the ball thing," Jack muttered, pointing to the orb while Rose giggled. "He apparently won't show his face so I guess this is the Doctor now."

"Meeee"

Jack frowned when he heard the meeing coming from the ball.

"That's Snuffy, that's the elephant I mentioned," Rose said.

"Okay, Doctor, either get out here and show yourself or take your TARDIS and go. I'm not speaking to a floating ball thing," Jack said.

"Fine, Snuffy and I are coming," the Doctor said.

The orb zoomed back into the TARDIS while Jack rolled his eyes.

"Trust me, I'm annoyed with it as well," Rose said. "Since he invented it, he's been using it nearly nonstop while his lazy arse sits up front."

"I object, I don't have a lazy arse," the Doctor said as he stepped outside with Snuffy in his hands.

Jack did a double take and gave an appraising look to the Doctor from head to toe, taking time to linger on the bulge in his trousers for a moment before his eyes settled on Snuffy.

"This...is the elephant?" he said, pointing to Snuffy.

"Yup, this is Snuffy Lumpkins, my pet," the Doctor said proudly.

"It's tiny," Jack said.

"Bang on, Harkness, well spotted," the Doctor said sarcastically. "I see your eyes work."

"How the hell did you get it so small?" Jack said.

"I won her with a Weetabix sample through the post," the Doctor said while Jack's team crowded in to look at Snuffy.

"You did what?" Jack said before shaking his head. "Never mind, I don't wanna know. So...why are you here then with Dumbo?"

"Rose,Snuffy and I are here because I thought perhaps you'd like to go eat somewhere...if you're not busy, that is..." he said, looking at his team.

"Oh! Um...well, we're not really busy, we were talking about buying curtains for our headquarters so if you want me to come...but what about them?" he said, pointing to his team.

"Are they well behaved?" the Doctor said, looking them over.

"Um...most of the time," Jack said.

"If they want to come, they can. Just follow me," the Doctor said, turning with Snuffy and going back into the TARDIS.

"Jack, what is this?" Gwen said as Rose followed the Doctor inside the timeship.

"This...is an adventure. Come on, gang, I want to introduce you to the wonders of time travel," Jack said to his team before he urged them inside the TARDIS.


End file.
